Welcome back one and all, now gather round as I regale with yet another addition of Crisis of Cranium Crackage! And so without further ado I present to you ....
Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Vier!
February 20, 2010
(my first night back home after the accident)
9:45 am
My mother is on the phone with my far-and-away sister Jamie when she receives another call
"I have to let you go someone's on the other line, bye ..... Hello?"
"Mom, it's well past 8 and there's still no breakfast in front of me"
"Daniel? Where are you?"
"In bed"
"DANIEL!!! You're lucky you have an injured head otherwise I'd come in there a whip this phone at it!"
"Love you mom"
".... Love you too, now BYE!"
10:30 am
No longer confined to hospitals bland soulless crispy rice for my breakfast, I'm in the kitchen frantically flitting about like some sort of ADD hummingbird trying to decide which nectar to consume. My pal Tony's sugary coated flakes of frost, some syrup confining golden fluffy waffles, or the always delectable strawberry bacterial colonies! (also commonly referred to by the laymen folk as yogurt)
Flavored bacterial colonies takes the win!
12:00 pm
My mom's driving me into the city (plus side to the head trauma, I get to be chauffeured around by my family for a week) And I start discussing the possibility of me going into surgery.
"If I go it's the creepiest place I can think of to get surgery. I mean they will literally have to scalp me and peel back my face to get at the sinus in order to fix it"
"Danny don't be stupid, they wouldn't do that. They'll go up your nose with tiny instruments and do it all that way"
"Mom I'm pretty sure in order to fix bones and cracked skulls it's a little more intense than the Egyptian method of chop sticks up the nose. No amount of twirling and stirring will mend a fracture"
1:00 pm
At the comic shop for the first time since the accident. Having missed out helping my shop owner Jay teach at a school the day previous due to my hospitalization I still feel like I somehow let him down by being mortally wounded. I slip by the counter shading my scar with a held up hand like the unabomber evading a camera and proceed to the comic racks at the back of the store, quiet and content back in my nerdy homeland.
1:15 pm
Deeply involved in a whimsical tale of super pets Jay gets the drop on me
"Danny?! I didn't even see you come in, great to see you man! WOW! It's a good thing you didn't come yesterday, we wouldn't be able to teach anything with all the kids distracted by your forehead"
"We could've told them I was in costume as Frankenstein"
5:00 pm
My dog Sammie (who is deaf) has finally come to realize I'm home. This could be a problem. Why? Well you see Sammie is best describe as a delusional psycho-ex girlfriend stalker. She loves me more than anything. But being a hyper-active highly athletic dog with the attention span of a gerbil, topped off with not being able to hear makes her a dangerous greeter. It all starts with her ears perking up to full attention and a look in her eyes like she has just witnessed the second coming of Jesus. Then she riles up the rest of the dogs before bolting out into the field in an explosion of snow. Using this to build up a sort of boomerang momentum, as she immediately changes course only to come flying back bodychecking one of the insolent dogs for not rising to his feet sooner in order to pay his respects for me. Her body heaving she turns her attentions to me with frothing mouth. Then with a slightly innocent and peculiar turn of her head it all seems to stop. But do not let this fool you, this is but the calm before the storm, for then she unleashes her true power as her body molds into a perfect doggy torpedo homing in on her target.
Me
Mr. Humpty Dumpty Who got hit in the head,
Humpty Dumpty who was almost dead.
And all those doctors who put me on the mend,
Said next skull crack I might not be so lucky again.
So now I have exactly one fifth of a second to plead with my missile crisis dog before she takes me out at the knees and sha-whacks my noggin against the cement. The frantic waving of my arms does nothing to impede her trajectory, so I go to my last resort and deflect her with my knee into the snow bank. But just like any good stalker ex, this minor set back does nothing to hinder her undying love for me when I turn to her snow covered face and give her a long over due hug
6:00 pm
My rumbling stomach has lead me to the kitchen with the intent of acquiring a sandwich. I jovially pluck ingredients from the fridge delighting in the diversity and choice. Like Tony Montana I relish in the bounty of food before me, laughing and rolling in the wealth of produce ..... then it dawns on me
"you have to make this sandwich yourself"
I pour milk into a bowl and munch on some cereal staring at my unfinished sandwich with disdain
7:00 pm
The great debate between face-peeling and chopstick-twirling surgery methods has heated up in my family. It's become more intense than any presidential debate, with slurs and slanders slug by both sides. Old scandals and controversy's brought back to haunt members of both parties. With tensions rising to dangerous levels a shaky truce is made. Arguments halted and bets are placed, with the victors to be decided by the doctors upon my return
8:00 pm
My last night of freedom I pack for my emanate return to the slammer. Like a man on death row long ran out of hope, I decide to give away that which is most precious to me
8:10 pm
A resounding thud fills the kitchen as I drop my loot bag containing the plethora of candies brought to me during my first hospital stay. I whip a tear from my eye as my family thanks me and digs in, I step away from the scene my heart still too attached for me to watch anymore.
I dedicate this entry to you Bag-O-Candy. You were warm and magical, you embodied all that is good in this life and in the brief time we shared you showed me just how bad a sugar high hangover can be
For that I thank you
February 21
10:00 am
I've returned to the hospital, the nurses give me a kind greeting and tell me that my room is just the way I left it. Cold, sterile and with a hint of sugar sprinkled throughout the sheets
12:00 pm
Lunch has arrived. My lunch lady jokingly remarks that it was the great food that brought me back, I quickly reply "Nah I'm just too lazy to cook for myself" She laughs.
It wasn't a joke
2:00 pm
Lost in my sketch book bringing to life my imagination, I'm abruptly brought back to reality by Ana tugging on my shirt
"Mr. Daniel? We put IV in you now?"
"But I thought I didn't need one?"
"You might, doctors might want to operate"
"Sooooo, why don't we do it then?"
"There is a new nurse and she needs practice. And you are the only patient here that doesn't have one in already."
"Ummm....."
"Plus you're so young and have such lovely veins"
I bashfully turn my head trying to hide my blushing cheeks "Well ok!"
Compliment my veins and I'll do anything you want
2:10 pm
I'm already regretting my decision to become the nurses personal voodoo doll. After her first miss, Ana helped our rookie nurse restab me closer to the vein ("closer" is the key word there) Having still not penetrated the vein wall she starts fishing in my arm like she's trying to jiggle a loose wire. At this point I've lost all color in my face and become so pale that I'm perfectly camouflaged with my bedsheet. After some digging through my arm Rookie nurse has found the vein, Ana congrats her and I weakly cheer trying to hold in my stomach.
"Good job! ... and now that you know better where it is let's try one more time"
Curse my perfectly situated veins!
February 22
5:00 am
The Nose doctor comes by and tells me his team will be looking at my scans today and that I'll probably be released that afternoon. Like a survivor castaway my metaphorical torch of hope has been light
1:00 pm
The head neurosurgeon comes by for a chat with me. I'm pretty sure he was talking about something fairly important but I find myself in a constant psychological battle the entire time I talk with him and unable to concentrate. He has a very thick Australian accent and the majority of my mental power is used to control myself from replying to his questions in a badly imitated accent of my own
5:00 pm
Second neurosurgeon of the day comes by. This time my aphid sized brain is occupied by focusing on her weird ability to speak without actually opening her mouth and only slightly moving her lips. I begin to wonder if she ever had dreams of becoming a world renowned ventriloquist but had those dreams crushed by strict parents who forced her into medical school. I feel like giving her a hug and telling her I believe in her ventriloquist ambitions
6:00 pm
Nose doc finally comes by and tells me that they need to look at my charts more and I'll have to stay one more night.
8:00 pm
Ventriloquist doctor brings by a new quirk-free neurosurgeon to talk to me. With his rather average appearance and voice my one track mind is able to focus on what he's saying. Seems like the two previous neurosurgeons were trying to tell me earlier that they want to do surgery on me. After checking my brain and skull scans it looks like I have a chance to develop a brain infection or meningitis if we don't fix it. And a review of the brain scans also apparently made them realize it would take at least three different doctors to try and get this information through the tiny pinhole sized comprehension part of my brain
February 23
5:00 am
The neurosurgeon from the previous night comes by and let's me know him and the nasal doctors have voted to preform surgery on me but they'll be sending a plastic surgeon to talk to me today to see what he wants to do. It's like I've entered some sort of weird head trauma version of American Idol. I've won over Randy and Paula, now for the clincher I have to win over Simon
11:00 am
My mom is at my side intent on speaking with a doctor insisting that I haven't asked the proper questions. Just then a head and neck doctor comes by to talk with me about the accident and to explain to me what will happen in the surgery.
"You completely obliterated your sinus cavity haha!" He chuckles
"Why thank you" I reply not sure if it was a compliment or not
"Anyways with that destroyed your at a big risk for infection and meningitis. If we fix it now that won't ever happen and it's a low-risk surgery. If we wait till you get sick then it becomes higher risk. So its best to just get it now."
"Agreed. So what are you all gonna do in the surgery?"
"well we'll first start by making an incision at the tops of your ears and cut across the top of your head, which will allow us to pull back the skin down to your eyebrows and open up your skull"
"YES! I knew it!"
"Knew what?"
"Aaaah .... nevermind" I thought explaining my families bet about the surgery methods might be awkward to explain to a guy with a P.H.D.
11:15 am
At this point in the conversation the doctor starts explain all the injuries that I received due to the blow. I nod knowingly having heard it multiple times before from other doctors. He then says that it sounds like I know what he's talking about, and I let him know it's just because I've heard this all before.
"And we're farmers so we know this kind of stuff" My mom states matter of factly
At what point farming relates to neurosurgery is beyond me. I must have missed that day in the field
11:30 am
Everyone in my family has this odd gene that makes us try and prove to people how smart we are no matter how far out of our element we are. We do this by making up random facts, analogies and statements that we have pulled out the every expanding, never proved family encyclopedia. We are all guilty of this at one time or another, not one of us is immune to it. This is proven in this next bit of dialogue between the doctor and my mom
"The sinus cavity acted like an airbag when it got crushed it saved you from dying or getting any brain damage"
"And because he was so close to the metal from where it shot off"
"Ummm, no actually the closer you are the worse it is"
6:00 pm
The Plastic Surgeon has come by to talk to me. After a once over of the old noggin he votes for surgery and says they'll fix my dent.
No more filling it with water and letting the birds bath in it I guess
February 24
10:00 am
I feel like a young Hugh Hefner. I'm waltzing around in a housecoat enjoying life's finer vices (aka fun dip) and am waited on hand and foot by lovely ladies at all times of the day. Heck I even get sponge baths like Hugh
11:00 am
I'm released once again into the real world. Allowed to join modern society. I'm scheduled to return on monday for surgery and have to come in friday for a meeting to get me ready for surgery.
February 26
2:00 pm
Me and some other surgery potentials have just finished watching an hour long video that explains most questions you might have about surgery to me. A comforting professional Anesthesiologist on the video explains to us all the risks involved, the procedures and calms our worries. His soothing voice combined with his kind hearted face ease our tensions. Once over the rest turn to there loved ones and whisper contently amoung themselves. Me always one to watch the credits continue to watch the screen.
"Nice to know that the guy telling us not to worry on this video, Dr. Armstrong, was played by the actor Doug Simpson"
This was about the equivalent of telling a room full of kids that Santa isn't real
February 27
I'm having some lunch with Abby my girlfriend and explaining to her about the surgery. She starts laughing mid conversation and in puzzlement I ask her why.
"Haha it would be hilarious if they accidentally cut a nerve and you ended up with one twitchy eye"
Horror in my eyes I stare at her hoping I heard her wrong
"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to scare you but that could happen"
So now I've been introduce to the paranoia of them randomly cutting nerves to see what messed up kind of face I'll end up with, thanks
So that's all I have for you now. I feel like I kinda rushed this one and pretty sure I missed alot more of the story. (I'll remedy it later if I make this into a book)
I hope you all enjoyed this latest rendition of Crisis of Cranium Crackage! I should have one final edition for you once I finish up with surgery, thank you all to everyone who's commented and read I've had loads of fun writing these and now plan on writing a book. When most of you read this I should be in surgery or just getting out. I'll see you all after the drugs wear off and I'm awake enough to form complete sentences Haha
Till next time, meet ya back here
Same Dan-Time!
Same Dan-Channel!
p.s. Look for the new Bald version of Danny when he gets out of the hospital! Yayness!!!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Tres!
And here we go with round numero three
And so now I present to you all .....
Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Tres!
Feburary 16, 2010
2:00 am
I am awoken by the arrival of my newest room mate, Anthony, a Kieth Richards look alike, with an abscess in his leg. I drowsily listen as the nurses get him into his bed, and ask him the deal breaker question of "On a scale of 1 - 10 how much pain are you in?". And just like a veteran beauty pageant judge listening intently to a contestant's answer to this classic yet crucial question I am piosed and ready to condemned or praise his response.
"More than a 10 ... like a 20"
I write down a zero on his score card and know that he has alot of catching up to do if he has any hope of salvaging a friendship with me
5:00 am
A shrill high pitch cry of fear and terror has assailed my eardrums and woken me from my peaceful slumber. It's Anthony crying out for morphine, louder than a howler monkey.
8:00 am
Anthony has become my new snooze button, awaking/terrifying me every three hours with his constant cries for morphine. Luckily this mind shattering scream has woken me just in time for breakfast ....... my bedside table is barren and empty
10:00 am
Still no breakfast. I sit staring with dead eyes at my table silently hoping that somehow I'll develop a latent superpower that allows me to create food from thoughts
11:00 am
My hellish alarm clock anthony is going off once again, and I've come to the sad realization that unplugging him will not shut him up as it would an alarm clock.
11:05 am
The nurses having finished injecting Anthony full of morphine and use this time to ask if he has any allergies to medications or food. He says no but he is a vegetarian..... but he still eats fish and pork. Now I'm not usually one to get on someones case for being a Veggie, but this logic just confuddles me (plus I really didn't like this guy so I was looking for any reason critisize him)
So you've decided that eating a living creature with its own mind and soul is morally wrong, BUT! You'll still eat fish cause they obviously have no soul. I mean any animal that can breath underwater is clearly supernatural and practices in witchcraft. Hence they have no soul and there for your conscience can stay clean and free of guilt while devouring the flesh from their tiny, sharp, throat shredding bones. And as for pigs, they're cannabilistic so clearly they also lack the moral purity of a cow or chicken
You're like a married man claiming its not cheating if it's only oral.
11:10 am
Finished their conversation with Mister "I've been in the hospital for 9 hours and am already addicted to morphine" the nurses come by and ask if I need anything. I just let them know that I didn't get a breakfast. They say that they must have mixed me up with Anthony, who isn't allowed to eat today and that they'll fix it by lunch
12:00 pm
Lunch arrives, I am giddy with excitement just like a kid at their first day of school. But just like that same wide-eyed and hopeful kid my dreams are thoroughly crushed and smothered when I notice my meal is vegetarian.... Anthony will pay for this
1:00 pm
My Mom, Dad and sister Justine have arrived at the hospital. Justine has baked me a giant batch of fresh cookies, Yayness! My dad having lost his thought-to-speech filter long ago emmdiately exclaims "Wow! Your head really blew up today, you look like a lightbulb. Doesn't he look like a light bulb? Man it's huge, and your one eye is way off from the other one, like both are black and swollen but that one is kinda droopy" I then excuse myself from the room to run off into my bell tower to cry alone.
I bring the cookies, they will heal my pain
2:00 pm
Everyone in the room jumps to their feet ready to defend themselves from the demon that is wailing in our room. I inform them of my newest room mates cute quirk and they reluctantly settle back into their seats
4:00 pm
Anthony has been whisked away for surgery. My mom than takes this moment to turn to me and say "This has been really nice for you hey Danny? Really peaceful and relaxing"
"Yeah mom, it's like staying at a spa. I should do this more often"
5:00 pm
I'm dreaming I'm in a fight with boxing glove adorned racoon. Sweat dripping from my brow I stare with detrimination and resolve into the black beady eyes of my nemisis. His mask trying to hide the emotion on his face, but I a seasoned veteran trained by the great Rocky himself in the ways of the ring can see the fear that resides within those tiny furry features. His clawed feet scatter across the mat as he throws punches with wild abandon hoping to land some sort of advantage over me. I float out of his way like a hawk on the breeze and land a mighty blow directly into his left temple!
F@#$!!!
I bolt awake the IV needle in my hand throbbing from pain from the punch I so accurately landed upon the bedside desk.
7:00 pm
My roomie/alarm clock returns from surgery, he is barely aware of anything being still heavily induced by the anesthesia. But he still manages to mumble morphine, over and over again, like some poor drug addicted parrot
Feburary 17
3:00 am
awoken for the countless time by either Anthony's newly developed snoring or his harpy like shrieks. I take a moment to check myself out in the mirror
I still look like Quasimodo's hunchbackless cousin
5:00 am
The nurses are chatting just outside my room. The air is full of joyful laughter and tales of their weekend romps. Drifting in and out of sleep listening to this really seemed to affect my dreams from this day forward. And so starts the first dream episode of "Doctor Dan M.D." A drama focused around the life and loves of the local nurses and doctors at the UofA hospital. Doctor Dan M.D. is our central character who's boyish good looks and devil may care attitude have made him the lust of all the beautiful buxom nurses in the ward
9:00 am
Anthony has a visitor. And having nothing better to do I listen in on their conversation (don't judge me, we all do it. At least I admit to it) I reel in shock as I hear him proclaim to his friend that the nurses here have been wenches and refuse to give him any medication! (this statement of his burns me so much I almost break the universal eavesdropper's rule and give him my input on the whole situation) I start to envision myself running over there and drop kicking him right in the abscess!
9:30 am
An old farmer who's a friend of the family is apparently also in my ward and has dropped by for a visit. I am enthralled by the housecoat he's wearing, it's much more dignified than the peice of paper they have wrapped around my pale skinny frame. I wonder how I could get myself a housecoat like that and enter into the club of the sophisticated patients.
10:00 am
I ask the nurses if I can leave my room once again. Gaia the nurse in charge says she'll have another nurse come by in half hour and escort me around the ward to see if I'm ok to be given parole privelages
10:30 am
Leash in mouth and tail a wagging I eagerly await my walk. My escort nurse arrives and presents to me a gift .... A SHINY NEW HOUSECOAT!!! I step back, arms held out as she places it upon my shoulders like a royal kings robe. I take a moment to soak in the glorious light shining from my treasured housecoat
"Ready"
I nod my head trying to hold back the tears swelling up in my eyes. Standing at the edge of my door happiness apparent on my face as I look out at the cusp freedom. I dramatically take my first step imitating Neil Armstrong
"this is one small step for Dan, and one giant leap for Dankind"
10:35 am
After butchering a few more classic quotes, me and my escort nurse take our walk around the ward. She follows behind my every step wheelchair held out ready to catch my inevitable fall. I feel like the proverbiale egg on the end of a spoon, with her every sense focused on getting me to the end of this quick journey without having me fall and crack open thereby losing her the race.
10:40 am
After seeing that I am indeed fully mobile and not teetering like a see-saw with every step, she takes me for a tour of the whole hospital (wheel chair safety net free) And says that I am now allowed out of my room and allowed to walk around the hospital without an escort. This is the closest I will ever come in my life to getting a college diploma
1:00 pm
Doctor Dan finds himself in a sticky situation. He and his lovely leading lady Abby have dinner plans and the ritziest restuarant in town. But when Kermit the frog comes into the hospital going into cardiac arrest, Dan the only muppet certified doctor is forced to miss his date and save this dying frog's life. Will Abby forgive our dashing doctor? Is it really not so easy being green? Find out on this heart-stopping episode of "Doctor Dan M.D."!!!
3:00 pm
The neurosurgeons working on my case come by and give me an update. "Everythings going great, you're doing better than expected. You're free of brain damage, the swelling is starting to go down, no more air is leaking in and nothing is leaking out. We'll get you scanned once more to check for infections and to check out your sinus to see how thats doing. But it looks like you'll get out of here not needing any surgery!"
Feburary 18
6:00 am
I awoken by my newest nurse Ana, who is the real life version of the family guy maid Consuela
(If you don't know who that is watch this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2oKwds7 ... re=related)
She becomes my newly designated go-to-nurse for all my inquiries about the profession. Not because she is the most helpful, but because her answers are the most hilarious.
"Ana is it true that chicks really do dig scars?"
"A lady did this to you?"
"What? ... no"
"Why she hit you with a shovel?"
"She didn't hit me with a shovel, a big piece of metal shot like a cannon hit me in the head"
"A CANNON!? Oh deary, deary me, you must have made your lady really mad"
"Ana, my ladyfriend is in Anahiem she didn't do this to me"
".... I am confused"
"We both are"
11:00 am
Having sat peirced through my veins uselessly for the last 3 days, the nurses decide to remove my IV needles. No longer feeling like a Voodoo doll and relishing in my newly needle free fists I exclaim to Ana that I'm so happy I feel like randomly punching things. She gives me a disapproving stare and scolds "You a weird child you know that"
3:00 pm
My girlfriend Abby has gotten home from Anaheim. It's my first chance to talk to her in full detail about the whole accident. After a brief description of the injuries I recieve this text
"eww"
The cookies prove a useful comfort food once again
Feburary 19
10:00 am
The neurosurgeons are concerned about my sinus cavity and want the nose specialist to look at my scans and X-rays. I inform Abby and she tells me "If they're gonna give you a nose job you should go for the Micheal Jackson look"
"Black MJ or White MJ?"
"Don't be an idiot. Clearly the skeletal white MJ nose"
3:00 pm
The nose doctors have been in surgery all day and weren't able to look at my scans, so the lead doctor comes by and lets me know he'll look at them on the following monday. He then makes arrangements to get me a weekend pass to let me leave the hospital for a day and a half to pass the time till then.
It's official, I'm one straight jacket away from being a certified crazy
3:30 pm
I have come to the conclusion that I'm not enough of a genius in any one area of intellegence in order to become one of those "rain man" like crazy people and will have to settle for "animal obesessed" crazy person. So having chosen my future profession, I now begin my research to see which field I would like to specialize in for my diploma.
Cats seem to be a gender specific crazy. Now I could be a pioneer in the profession and become the first crazy cat man, defying odds and shattering all expectations. But this seems to be a more direct-aggressive crazy and I am a very passive-aggressive person, so this will never work. Birds might be nice, those guys are always a quiet, sweet, old man kinda crazy. Eyes constantly looking up in wonder towards their affection. Nuzzling and whispering sweet nothings into the non-existant ears of their avain lovers. It's really sweet and heart-warming in a creepy kinda way. But the clean up seems like alot of work, so let's see what else we can find. Dog people aren't crazy they're "Animal lovers". Horse people have those sparkly outfits, which never never brings out the right color in my eyes. Rats always seem to lead down the mass-murdering psycho-path road. Fish people have no social lives and reptile people are doomed virgins. And so this leaves me with one last option ....
Cows. The irony does not go unnoticed
And so ends another tale of "Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!!". On the next episode hear about my one sweet day of freedom and the nurses crusade to get me the heck out of the hospital!
See ya all back here next time!
Same Dan-time!
Same Dan-channel!
And so now I present to you all .....
Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Tres!
Feburary 16, 2010
2:00 am
I am awoken by the arrival of my newest room mate, Anthony, a Kieth Richards look alike, with an abscess in his leg. I drowsily listen as the nurses get him into his bed, and ask him the deal breaker question of "On a scale of 1 - 10 how much pain are you in?". And just like a veteran beauty pageant judge listening intently to a contestant's answer to this classic yet crucial question I am piosed and ready to condemned or praise his response.
"More than a 10 ... like a 20"
I write down a zero on his score card and know that he has alot of catching up to do if he has any hope of salvaging a friendship with me
5:00 am
A shrill high pitch cry of fear and terror has assailed my eardrums and woken me from my peaceful slumber. It's Anthony crying out for morphine, louder than a howler monkey.
8:00 am
Anthony has become my new snooze button, awaking/terrifying me every three hours with his constant cries for morphine. Luckily this mind shattering scream has woken me just in time for breakfast ....... my bedside table is barren and empty
10:00 am
Still no breakfast. I sit staring with dead eyes at my table silently hoping that somehow I'll develop a latent superpower that allows me to create food from thoughts
11:00 am
My hellish alarm clock anthony is going off once again, and I've come to the sad realization that unplugging him will not shut him up as it would an alarm clock.
11:05 am
The nurses having finished injecting Anthony full of morphine and use this time to ask if he has any allergies to medications or food. He says no but he is a vegetarian..... but he still eats fish and pork. Now I'm not usually one to get on someones case for being a Veggie, but this logic just confuddles me (plus I really didn't like this guy so I was looking for any reason critisize him)
So you've decided that eating a living creature with its own mind and soul is morally wrong, BUT! You'll still eat fish cause they obviously have no soul. I mean any animal that can breath underwater is clearly supernatural and practices in witchcraft. Hence they have no soul and there for your conscience can stay clean and free of guilt while devouring the flesh from their tiny, sharp, throat shredding bones. And as for pigs, they're cannabilistic so clearly they also lack the moral purity of a cow or chicken
You're like a married man claiming its not cheating if it's only oral.
11:10 am
Finished their conversation with Mister "I've been in the hospital for 9 hours and am already addicted to morphine" the nurses come by and ask if I need anything. I just let them know that I didn't get a breakfast. They say that they must have mixed me up with Anthony, who isn't allowed to eat today and that they'll fix it by lunch
12:00 pm
Lunch arrives, I am giddy with excitement just like a kid at their first day of school. But just like that same wide-eyed and hopeful kid my dreams are thoroughly crushed and smothered when I notice my meal is vegetarian.... Anthony will pay for this
1:00 pm
My Mom, Dad and sister Justine have arrived at the hospital. Justine has baked me a giant batch of fresh cookies, Yayness! My dad having lost his thought-to-speech filter long ago emmdiately exclaims "Wow! Your head really blew up today, you look like a lightbulb. Doesn't he look like a light bulb? Man it's huge, and your one eye is way off from the other one, like both are black and swollen but that one is kinda droopy" I then excuse myself from the room to run off into my bell tower to cry alone.
I bring the cookies, they will heal my pain
2:00 pm
Everyone in the room jumps to their feet ready to defend themselves from the demon that is wailing in our room. I inform them of my newest room mates cute quirk and they reluctantly settle back into their seats
4:00 pm
Anthony has been whisked away for surgery. My mom than takes this moment to turn to me and say "This has been really nice for you hey Danny? Really peaceful and relaxing"
"Yeah mom, it's like staying at a spa. I should do this more often"
5:00 pm
I'm dreaming I'm in a fight with boxing glove adorned racoon. Sweat dripping from my brow I stare with detrimination and resolve into the black beady eyes of my nemisis. His mask trying to hide the emotion on his face, but I a seasoned veteran trained by the great Rocky himself in the ways of the ring can see the fear that resides within those tiny furry features. His clawed feet scatter across the mat as he throws punches with wild abandon hoping to land some sort of advantage over me. I float out of his way like a hawk on the breeze and land a mighty blow directly into his left temple!
F@#$!!!
I bolt awake the IV needle in my hand throbbing from pain from the punch I so accurately landed upon the bedside desk.
7:00 pm
My roomie/alarm clock returns from surgery, he is barely aware of anything being still heavily induced by the anesthesia. But he still manages to mumble morphine, over and over again, like some poor drug addicted parrot
Feburary 17
3:00 am
awoken for the countless time by either Anthony's newly developed snoring or his harpy like shrieks. I take a moment to check myself out in the mirror
I still look like Quasimodo's hunchbackless cousin
5:00 am
The nurses are chatting just outside my room. The air is full of joyful laughter and tales of their weekend romps. Drifting in and out of sleep listening to this really seemed to affect my dreams from this day forward. And so starts the first dream episode of "Doctor Dan M.D." A drama focused around the life and loves of the local nurses and doctors at the UofA hospital. Doctor Dan M.D. is our central character who's boyish good looks and devil may care attitude have made him the lust of all the beautiful buxom nurses in the ward
9:00 am
Anthony has a visitor. And having nothing better to do I listen in on their conversation (don't judge me, we all do it. At least I admit to it) I reel in shock as I hear him proclaim to his friend that the nurses here have been wenches and refuse to give him any medication! (this statement of his burns me so much I almost break the universal eavesdropper's rule and give him my input on the whole situation) I start to envision myself running over there and drop kicking him right in the abscess!
9:30 am
An old farmer who's a friend of the family is apparently also in my ward and has dropped by for a visit. I am enthralled by the housecoat he's wearing, it's much more dignified than the peice of paper they have wrapped around my pale skinny frame. I wonder how I could get myself a housecoat like that and enter into the club of the sophisticated patients.
10:00 am
I ask the nurses if I can leave my room once again. Gaia the nurse in charge says she'll have another nurse come by in half hour and escort me around the ward to see if I'm ok to be given parole privelages
10:30 am
Leash in mouth and tail a wagging I eagerly await my walk. My escort nurse arrives and presents to me a gift .... A SHINY NEW HOUSECOAT!!! I step back, arms held out as she places it upon my shoulders like a royal kings robe. I take a moment to soak in the glorious light shining from my treasured housecoat
"Ready"
I nod my head trying to hold back the tears swelling up in my eyes. Standing at the edge of my door happiness apparent on my face as I look out at the cusp freedom. I dramatically take my first step imitating Neil Armstrong
"this is one small step for Dan, and one giant leap for Dankind"
10:35 am
After butchering a few more classic quotes, me and my escort nurse take our walk around the ward. She follows behind my every step wheelchair held out ready to catch my inevitable fall. I feel like the proverbiale egg on the end of a spoon, with her every sense focused on getting me to the end of this quick journey without having me fall and crack open thereby losing her the race.
10:40 am
After seeing that I am indeed fully mobile and not teetering like a see-saw with every step, she takes me for a tour of the whole hospital (wheel chair safety net free) And says that I am now allowed out of my room and allowed to walk around the hospital without an escort. This is the closest I will ever come in my life to getting a college diploma
1:00 pm
Doctor Dan finds himself in a sticky situation. He and his lovely leading lady Abby have dinner plans and the ritziest restuarant in town. But when Kermit the frog comes into the hospital going into cardiac arrest, Dan the only muppet certified doctor is forced to miss his date and save this dying frog's life. Will Abby forgive our dashing doctor? Is it really not so easy being green? Find out on this heart-stopping episode of "Doctor Dan M.D."!!!
3:00 pm
The neurosurgeons working on my case come by and give me an update. "Everythings going great, you're doing better than expected. You're free of brain damage, the swelling is starting to go down, no more air is leaking in and nothing is leaking out. We'll get you scanned once more to check for infections and to check out your sinus to see how thats doing. But it looks like you'll get out of here not needing any surgery!"
Feburary 18
6:00 am
I awoken by my newest nurse Ana, who is the real life version of the family guy maid Consuela
(If you don't know who that is watch this video http://www.youtube.com/wat
She becomes my newly designated go-to-nurse for all my inquiries about the profession. Not because she is the most helpful, but because her answers are the most hilarious.
"Ana is it true that chicks really do dig scars?"
"A lady did this to you?"
"What? ... no"
"Why she hit you with a shovel?"
"She didn't hit me with a shovel, a big piece of metal shot like a cannon hit me in the head"
"A CANNON!? Oh deary, deary me, you must have made your lady really mad"
"Ana, my ladyfriend is in Anahiem she didn't do this to me"
".... I am confused"
"We both are"
11:00 am
Having sat peirced through my veins uselessly for the last 3 days, the nurses decide to remove my IV needles. No longer feeling like a Voodoo doll and relishing in my newly needle free fists I exclaim to Ana that I'm so happy I feel like randomly punching things. She gives me a disapproving stare and scolds "You a weird child you know that"
3:00 pm
My girlfriend Abby has gotten home from Anaheim. It's my first chance to talk to her in full detail about the whole accident. After a brief description of the injuries I recieve this text
"eww"
The cookies prove a useful comfort food once again
Feburary 19
10:00 am
The neurosurgeons are concerned about my sinus cavity and want the nose specialist to look at my scans and X-rays. I inform Abby and she tells me "If they're gonna give you a nose job you should go for the Micheal Jackson look"
"Black MJ or White MJ?"
"Don't be an idiot. Clearly the skeletal white MJ nose"
3:00 pm
The nose doctors have been in surgery all day and weren't able to look at my scans, so the lead doctor comes by and lets me know he'll look at them on the following monday. He then makes arrangements to get me a weekend pass to let me leave the hospital for a day and a half to pass the time till then.
It's official, I'm one straight jacket away from being a certified crazy
3:30 pm
I have come to the conclusion that I'm not enough of a genius in any one area of intellegence in order to become one of those "rain man" like crazy people and will have to settle for "animal obesessed" crazy person. So having chosen my future profession, I now begin my research to see which field I would like to specialize in for my diploma.
Cats seem to be a gender specific crazy. Now I could be a pioneer in the profession and become the first crazy cat man, defying odds and shattering all expectations. But this seems to be a more direct-aggressive crazy and I am a very passive-aggressive person, so this will never work. Birds might be nice, those guys are always a quiet, sweet, old man kinda crazy. Eyes constantly looking up in wonder towards their affection. Nuzzling and whispering sweet nothings into the non-existant ears of their avain lovers. It's really sweet and heart-warming in a creepy kinda way. But the clean up seems like alot of work, so let's see what else we can find. Dog people aren't crazy they're "Animal lovers". Horse people have those sparkly outfits, which never never brings out the right color in my eyes. Rats always seem to lead down the mass-murdering psycho-path road. Fish people have no social lives and reptile people are doomed virgins. And so this leaves me with one last option ....
Cows. The irony does not go unnoticed
And so ends another tale of "Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!!". On the next episode hear about my one sweet day of freedom and the nurses crusade to get me the heck out of the hospital!
See ya all back here next time!
Same Dan-time!
Same Dan-channel!
Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Deux!
So I hope you all enjoyed the first part of Crisis of Cranium Crackage and just as i promised here's part 2 .....
Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Deux!
Feburary 14, 2010
Valentines Day
2:00 am
I am awoken by a gentle nudge. Forgetting everything but the fact that it's Valentines day, my dream induced logic dictates that this must be my girlfriend waking me for some late night cuddling
"yes pigeon?" I ask seductively
"I need to check your vitals" A large burly samurai/nurse replies
clearing my throat and trying to regain my dignity I put on a fake gruff accent and talk manly stuff while he gently listens to my heartbeat
6:00 am
I'm staring straight into the dark abyss mentally preparing myself for another encounter with the Karate Nurse. But instead am greeted by Brianna, a kind petite blond nurse wielding a flashlight that looks better suited to be clubbing cute helpless animals to death than it is to be checking pupil dilation
8:00 am
I awake to a lovely meal of Rice Krispies, toast, and an omlette, Oh joy! .... Karate Nurse quickly runs in and informs me that I'm getting another CT scan today and he doesn't know if I can eat or not, but that he'll go find out for me as soon as he can.
9:00 am
I stare longingly at the slowly dying omlette who's love I was never meant to share
10:00 am
My mom has arrived at the hospital. She tells me I should fix my hair. I comment that with my forehead inflated as it is from swelling and the giant scar carved down it I'm pretty sure people will excuse me if my hair is a mess. And so she decides to do the motherly thing and fix it for me, but forgetting that my hair is attached to my scalp she tugs on a knot too hard and unintentionally yanks on the scar.
My hair stays a mess
11:30 am
I have just been informed I can indeed eat my breakfast .... half hour before lunch is served. Like a scorned lover I cautiously accept my breakfast back. To avoid further heartbreak I establish the rules to our relationship this time round.
1. I will eat my rice krispies begrudgingly, as I still require the nutrients they provide and they have not yet betrayed me
2. Omlette will sit in the corner alone and think about what he did to me
3. I will enjoy my miniscule apple juice last, for he is innocent in this whole affair
11:35 am
Mom "Why aren't you eating your omlette?"
Dan "It's cold"
"Don't be silly eat it, you need food"
"It's ok mom, it'll be gross and lunch is in a few minutes anyways"
"Here eat it" She starts cutting it up
"No mom, it's ok I'm fine"
"Here" She shoves the fork airplane like towards my mouth
"MOM!"
"I don't know why you're being so weird" Takes a bite
".... oh it's cold"
11:40 am
I joyfully swipe up my juice, and go to open it. My mother springs into action faster than a Marine corps vet. Offering all sorts of expertise on juice box opening, I kindly inform her multiple times that I think I can handle opening a juice whilst trying to wrestle the juice from her "helping" hands. Finally after telling her "my hands aren't crippled, I can handle opening my own freakin juice box!!!" she sits back down and asks "Why are you so cranky?"
4:00 pm
Finally meet my first of many room mates. He is a 17 year old boy who broke his arm snowboarding, I never bothered to learn his name. The nurses are helping him get settled in and ask him "on a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain right now?" My ears perk up and listen for his response. "A 10 a really really painful 10!" ..... A TEN!?! You have got to be kidding me, let's scale this back a couple notches king douche. First of all a ten by definition of this question is the maximum painful it can be. There are 'no light and kinda fun tens' there are only 'really painful tens!' Thats why its a 10! And secondly, you're already patched up and you and me both know that you are not at your most painful you can be. Let's have the old Karate nurse there give you a Judo chop to that cast and watch you wallow in pain, bet you're rethinking your 10 rating now aren't you? ...... Amateur
5:00 pm
I'm trying to take a nap and mother starts to affectionately rub my arm not realizing I still have an IV needle stuck in that arm.... she snags the needle and drives it further into my ligaments, I react like a normal human being to pain and gasp. She apoligizes and contemplates the situation a short while then turns to me with her revelation "Guys are big wusses hey?"
6:00 pm
My Dad and sister, Justine, arrive at the hospital. Knowing my addiction to sugar the have brought me some candy. SCORE! My mother looks up and says "Oh good finally someone to talk to! It's like staying here with a mute. He sleeps most of the time and barely says anything"
I spend the next hour writing witty anecdotes on napkins and getting up to date on current events so that I'll be a more entertaining host next time I have a "Skull fracture party"
7:00 pm
My roomie, otherwise known as "king douche" is all dressed up in his finest. His hat is perched precariously atop his head and angled to the side in just the exact way women swoon over. His jeans look to have been sewed by a blind hobo out of dirty chalk cover rags as his belt unsuccessfully tries to hold them up past his knees. This 'hanging pants effect' allows us the public to see that he is a man of sophistication who wears only the finest made 10 for a dollar wal-mart brand boxers. He informs me that he's slipping out for an hour to meet his girlfriend.
8:00 pm
An older nurse comes into my room with a cart full of supplies. I look inquistively at her and she tells me its bath time. I merrily say ok and start to hop out of my bed towards the shower. "Whoa there skipper" her one arm stops my journey while the other waves a sponge in front of my face. And I lose another ounce of my dignity.
9:00 pm
Nurse Brianna has come to check mine and douchey's vitals. She inquires as to his where abouts and I let her know "He went out for a bit but should be back any second. Speaking of back, don't you hate it when the old lady giving you a sponge bath uses cold water on your backside?" I pause and wait for her inevitable laughter .... it never comes..... I crumple and throw away that napkin. Next time I'll try the bit about brain juice
11:00 pm
still no sign of douchey
Feburary 15
1:00 am
I am rudely awoken to a stumbling bumbling room mate who has finally returned from his 'quick' trip out. Brianna immediately comes flying into the room to enact her righteous vengeance upon him. I smile to myself listening as she tears into him about his behaviour and takes away all his privelages, and quietly wonder to myself who's wrath is worse? Karate nurse or tiny blond Brianna? With punishment dealt Brianna silently apoligizes to me for the noise and hopes I can get back to sleep.... I decide that Karate nurse probably would've just put a sleeper hold on me to ease me back into slumber
2:00 am
I'm awaken to take my vitals once again and have been informed that I will be switching wards. Brianna says she'll help me pack up my stuff as soon as she finds a wheelchair. She hurries off and I get up and start packing
2:30 am
I sit on my bed, bags in hand awaiting my nurses return. Brianna rushes back and says the wheelchair is on it's way. I Tell her its fine I can just walk to which she quickly informs me that its strictly against hospital policy to allow patients being moved to walk to the new ward.
I'm pretty sure she just made that up so she didn't have to say "No humpty dumpty, we can't risk your fragile little self falling."
3:00 am
Have arrived to my new ward via nurse-drawn chariot. There are cute cartoons painting on the glass here everywhere. I am taken to my new bed and it is signifigantly lower than the last, I start to wonder if I've been demoted to the kids ward. My new nurse asks me if I want a heated blanket, I say no and she replies "Hmmm the patients here are babies, they always want heated blankets" I'm afraid to ask "Do you mean literal babies or metaphorical babies?"
8:00 am
I am awoken to the overcast shadow of my mother staring intently at my scar "Hey Sweetie!"
8:30 am
I finally meet my new room mate. He is not a baby (one worry averted) His name is Robert and he''s a young military man who just had his appendix removed. When asked the crucial question he answers a reasonable 5 for pain. I like this guy. I later find out I'm in the surgery ward. I feel like the odd man out and that at some point in the plot of this adventure tale the rest of the surgery ward will challenge my right to be there, resulting in an underdog winning the day but also learning a valuable life lesson in the process
9:00 am
the Nurse in charge comes by to see me
"Oh I see surgery went well. The incision seems rather irregular though"
"Umm, no actually, unless you guys are really, really sneaky I haven't had surgery. That scar is from the hunk of metal that smashed into my head"
2:00 pm
My sister, Jade, and my Dad have arrived, and brought me candy! DOUBLE SCORE!!
3:00 pm
Friends Jeff and Laura come by for a visit and have brought me ...... you guessed it, CANDY! TRIPLE SCORE!!! It's at this point I finally admit to myself that I have a candy addiction problem. I have just taken the first step on my twelve step road to recovery program.
(in case you're wondering, right now I'm on step 3 "overdose" the step where you scarf back as much candy as you can before the authorities take it away)
5:00 pm
After asking the nurses if I can go walk around the hospital lobby for a bit, I have just learned that I have been placed in quarantine and am not allowed to leave my room.
5:30 pm
Robert has been released. I enviously watch him cross the threshold and exit our room. Once again allowed to be a part of society. I return to my Farrah Fawcett poster on the wall, flipping it aside and resume digging with a plastic spoon. Someday I will taste freedom again
6:00 pm
Alone and confined to my room, I'm enjoying some fun dip as provided courtesy of Jeff and Laura. After spending many hours studying this candy I have come to a couple of conclusions.
1. Fun dip is a genius but decieving name for this product. In combination with it's packaging and concept you are truly lead to believe that you will have a more enjoyable time eating this confectionery as compared to your average sugar pill. But alas it is all a cleverly concieved illusion. It starts off fun and carefree bringing you back to a simplier time, when catching frogs down by the pond was the days agenda, and Sesame Street was your daily news. But this feeling will quickly spiral down into frustration as your Lik-A-Stik begins to shatter off inside your dip pouches, creating giant hunks of candy shrapnel that intrude upon your fun dipping time. Your broken stub of a once proud Lik-A-Stik no longer gives you the reach you require and you're forced to open your pouches further and further, allowing more room for the rainbowy colored sugar to dissapate into the air and collect upon the front of your shirt making you look like a flambouyantly gay coke dealer
2. It is a capitalist type candy. They have copyrighted the only two great names for this product in 'Fun Dip' and 'Lik-A-Stik'. Effectively giving them control over the entire fun dip monopoly. This never would have happened in communist Russia
3. Nurses don't appreciate you lining up your fun dip powder on your table like cocaine and pretending to snort it
And so ends another addition of "Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!!"
Once again I'll have a new post about my time spent in the big house for you right away
See you all back here,
Same Dan-Time!
Same Dan-Channel!
Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Deux!
Feburary 14, 2010
Valentines Day
2:00 am
I am awoken by a gentle nudge. Forgetting everything but the fact that it's Valentines day, my dream induced logic dictates that this must be my girlfriend waking me for some late night cuddling
"yes pigeon?" I ask seductively
"I need to check your vitals" A large burly samurai/nurse replies
clearing my throat and trying to regain my dignity I put on a fake gruff accent and talk manly stuff while he gently listens to my heartbeat
6:00 am
I'm staring straight into the dark abyss mentally preparing myself for another encounter with the Karate Nurse. But instead am greeted by Brianna, a kind petite blond nurse wielding a flashlight that looks better suited to be clubbing cute helpless animals to death than it is to be checking pupil dilation
8:00 am
I awake to a lovely meal of Rice Krispies, toast, and an omlette, Oh joy! .... Karate Nurse quickly runs in and informs me that I'm getting another CT scan today and he doesn't know if I can eat or not, but that he'll go find out for me as soon as he can.
9:00 am
I stare longingly at the slowly dying omlette who's love I was never meant to share
10:00 am
My mom has arrived at the hospital. She tells me I should fix my hair. I comment that with my forehead inflated as it is from swelling and the giant scar carved down it I'm pretty sure people will excuse me if my hair is a mess. And so she decides to do the motherly thing and fix it for me, but forgetting that my hair is attached to my scalp she tugs on a knot too hard and unintentionally yanks on the scar.
My hair stays a mess
11:30 am
I have just been informed I can indeed eat my breakfast .... half hour before lunch is served. Like a scorned lover I cautiously accept my breakfast back. To avoid further heartbreak I establish the rules to our relationship this time round.
1. I will eat my rice krispies begrudgingly, as I still require the nutrients they provide and they have not yet betrayed me
2. Omlette will sit in the corner alone and think about what he did to me
3. I will enjoy my miniscule apple juice last, for he is innocent in this whole affair
11:35 am
Mom "Why aren't you eating your omlette?"
Dan "It's cold"
"Don't be silly eat it, you need food"
"It's ok mom, it'll be gross and lunch is in a few minutes anyways"
"Here eat it" She starts cutting it up
"No mom, it's ok I'm fine"
"Here" She shoves the fork airplane like towards my mouth
"MOM!"
"I don't know why you're being so weird" Takes a bite
".... oh it's cold"
11:40 am
I joyfully swipe up my juice, and go to open it. My mother springs into action faster than a Marine corps vet. Offering all sorts of expertise on juice box opening, I kindly inform her multiple times that I think I can handle opening a juice whilst trying to wrestle the juice from her "helping" hands. Finally after telling her "my hands aren't crippled, I can handle opening my own freakin juice box!!!" she sits back down and asks "Why are you so cranky?"
4:00 pm
Finally meet my first of many room mates. He is a 17 year old boy who broke his arm snowboarding, I never bothered to learn his name. The nurses are helping him get settled in and ask him "on a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain right now?" My ears perk up and listen for his response. "A 10 a really really painful 10!" ..... A TEN!?! You have got to be kidding me, let's scale this back a couple notches king douche. First of all a ten by definition of this question is the maximum painful it can be. There are 'no light and kinda fun tens' there are only 'really painful tens!' Thats why its a 10! And secondly, you're already patched up and you and me both know that you are not at your most painful you can be. Let's have the old Karate nurse there give you a Judo chop to that cast and watch you wallow in pain, bet you're rethinking your 10 rating now aren't you? ...... Amateur
5:00 pm
I'm trying to take a nap and mother starts to affectionately rub my arm not realizing I still have an IV needle stuck in that arm.... she snags the needle and drives it further into my ligaments, I react like a normal human being to pain and gasp. She apoligizes and contemplates the situation a short while then turns to me with her revelation "Guys are big wusses hey?"
6:00 pm
My Dad and sister, Justine, arrive at the hospital. Knowing my addiction to sugar the have brought me some candy. SCORE! My mother looks up and says "Oh good finally someone to talk to! It's like staying here with a mute. He sleeps most of the time and barely says anything"
I spend the next hour writing witty anecdotes on napkins and getting up to date on current events so that I'll be a more entertaining host next time I have a "Skull fracture party"
7:00 pm
My roomie, otherwise known as "king douche" is all dressed up in his finest. His hat is perched precariously atop his head and angled to the side in just the exact way women swoon over. His jeans look to have been sewed by a blind hobo out of dirty chalk cover rags as his belt unsuccessfully tries to hold them up past his knees. This 'hanging pants effect' allows us the public to see that he is a man of sophistication who wears only the finest made 10 for a dollar wal-mart brand boxers. He informs me that he's slipping out for an hour to meet his girlfriend.
8:00 pm
An older nurse comes into my room with a cart full of supplies. I look inquistively at her and she tells me its bath time. I merrily say ok and start to hop out of my bed towards the shower. "Whoa there skipper" her one arm stops my journey while the other waves a sponge in front of my face. And I lose another ounce of my dignity.
9:00 pm
Nurse Brianna has come to check mine and douchey's vitals. She inquires as to his where abouts and I let her know "He went out for a bit but should be back any second. Speaking of back, don't you hate it when the old lady giving you a sponge bath uses cold water on your backside?" I pause and wait for her inevitable laughter .... it never comes..... I crumple and throw away that napkin. Next time I'll try the bit about brain juice
11:00 pm
still no sign of douchey
Feburary 15
1:00 am
I am rudely awoken to a stumbling bumbling room mate who has finally returned from his 'quick' trip out. Brianna immediately comes flying into the room to enact her righteous vengeance upon him. I smile to myself listening as she tears into him about his behaviour and takes away all his privelages, and quietly wonder to myself who's wrath is worse? Karate nurse or tiny blond Brianna? With punishment dealt Brianna silently apoligizes to me for the noise and hopes I can get back to sleep.... I decide that Karate nurse probably would've just put a sleeper hold on me to ease me back into slumber
2:00 am
I'm awaken to take my vitals once again and have been informed that I will be switching wards. Brianna says she'll help me pack up my stuff as soon as she finds a wheelchair. She hurries off and I get up and start packing
2:30 am
I sit on my bed, bags in hand awaiting my nurses return. Brianna rushes back and says the wheelchair is on it's way. I Tell her its fine I can just walk to which she quickly informs me that its strictly against hospital policy to allow patients being moved to walk to the new ward.
I'm pretty sure she just made that up so she didn't have to say "No humpty dumpty, we can't risk your fragile little self falling."
3:00 am
Have arrived to my new ward via nurse-drawn chariot. There are cute cartoons painting on the glass here everywhere. I am taken to my new bed and it is signifigantly lower than the last, I start to wonder if I've been demoted to the kids ward. My new nurse asks me if I want a heated blanket, I say no and she replies "Hmmm the patients here are babies, they always want heated blankets" I'm afraid to ask "Do you mean literal babies or metaphorical babies?"
8:00 am
I am awoken to the overcast shadow of my mother staring intently at my scar "Hey Sweetie!"
8:30 am
I finally meet my new room mate. He is not a baby (one worry averted) His name is Robert and he''s a young military man who just had his appendix removed. When asked the crucial question he answers a reasonable 5 for pain. I like this guy. I later find out I'm in the surgery ward. I feel like the odd man out and that at some point in the plot of this adventure tale the rest of the surgery ward will challenge my right to be there, resulting in an underdog winning the day but also learning a valuable life lesson in the process
9:00 am
the Nurse in charge comes by to see me
"Oh I see surgery went well. The incision seems rather irregular though"
"Umm, no actually, unless you guys are really, really sneaky I haven't had surgery. That scar is from the hunk of metal that smashed into my head"
2:00 pm
My sister, Jade, and my Dad have arrived, and brought me candy! DOUBLE SCORE!!
3:00 pm
Friends Jeff and Laura come by for a visit and have brought me ...... you guessed it, CANDY! TRIPLE SCORE!!! It's at this point I finally admit to myself that I have a candy addiction problem. I have just taken the first step on my twelve step road to recovery program.
(in case you're wondering, right now I'm on step 3 "overdose" the step where you scarf back as much candy as you can before the authorities take it away)
5:00 pm
After asking the nurses if I can go walk around the hospital lobby for a bit, I have just learned that I have been placed in quarantine and am not allowed to leave my room.
5:30 pm
Robert has been released. I enviously watch him cross the threshold and exit our room. Once again allowed to be a part of society. I return to my Farrah Fawcett poster on the wall, flipping it aside and resume digging with a plastic spoon. Someday I will taste freedom again
6:00 pm
Alone and confined to my room, I'm enjoying some fun dip as provided courtesy of Jeff and Laura. After spending many hours studying this candy I have come to a couple of conclusions.
1. Fun dip is a genius but decieving name for this product. In combination with it's packaging and concept you are truly lead to believe that you will have a more enjoyable time eating this confectionery as compared to your average sugar pill. But alas it is all a cleverly concieved illusion. It starts off fun and carefree bringing you back to a simplier time, when catching frogs down by the pond was the days agenda, and Sesame Street was your daily news. But this feeling will quickly spiral down into frustration as your Lik-A-Stik begins to shatter off inside your dip pouches, creating giant hunks of candy shrapnel that intrude upon your fun dipping time. Your broken stub of a once proud Lik-A-Stik no longer gives you the reach you require and you're forced to open your pouches further and further, allowing more room for the rainbowy colored sugar to dissapate into the air and collect upon the front of your shirt making you look like a flambouyantly gay coke dealer
2. It is a capitalist type candy. They have copyrighted the only two great names for this product in 'Fun Dip' and 'Lik-A-Stik'. Effectively giving them control over the entire fun dip monopoly. This never would have happened in communist Russia
3. Nurses don't appreciate you lining up your fun dip powder on your table like cocaine and pretending to snort it
And so ends another addition of "Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!!"
Once again I'll have a new post about my time spent in the big house for you right away
See you all back here,
Same Dan-Time!
Same Dan-Channel!
Friday, February 26, 2010
So I'm back and I have another question you've ponder that I have now answered (Kay so I haven't really ever answered any questions for you in this blog but whatever I'm gonna do so today)
Yeah, yeah i know "But Danny why none of the usual formalities?" You wanna know why? I'll tell you why you needy life sucking LEECHES!!! (I'm meant that last part in the nicest way possible.) Cause Danny almost died bringing you his latest answer that's why!
Anywhoo on with the show
Which is tougher? A thick piece of metal shot like a cannon with 20 tonnes of pressure behind it or Danny's skull?
Well dear readers on my constant quest to solve all your conundrums I have gone and field tested this one mythbusters style and will now present to you my finders in a little peice i like to call....
Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!!
February 13, 2010
9:10 am
arrive at work 10 minutes late
9:11 am
Lovingly stare at my cookies in the seat next to me (These cookies are crucial to the story later, remember them as they were ... delicious, chewy and tasty) and give my hula girl a little tap to get her dancing before I leave the car
9:12 am
No one else is at work so my late-ness goes unnoticed, Boo-Yahh! Great start to what is sure to be a wonderful day
9:45 am
after some clean up and prep I decide to work on the big gravel hauling truck we have in the shop. We need to remove a bushing from the suspension and it won't budge. So I've farmer rigged a push system using a 20 tonne jack, a thick piece of plate metal and some chains. System works good I begin pushing the piece out
10:00 am
The bushing is stuck again so I've grabbed a torch and crawled under the truck in order to heat the piping and loosen it up
10:15 am
Something has sparked real pruddy like and sent a glowing hot shard of metal past the safety glasses and straight into my retina .... F@#$!!!
10:30 am
I've managed to crawl out from under the truck still blind in one eye, found the first aid kit. There are gauzes and bandages (what good are those for!?) but no eye washer, suckage.
10:35 am
spot the hose in the corner
10:40 am
I am bent over the floor drain spewing the glacier cold contains of the hose directly into my eye cursing the sparks parentage
11:00 am
The metal fragment has kindly left my eye. I think to myself "well at least I got the worst of the day out of the way" (poor, sweet, naive Dan) just then Mike (My boss/friend) arrives at the shop, calls me a pussy and tells me to get to work
11:30 am
Me and Mike have successfully gotten the one bushing free, and have moved my farmer rigged jack thingy to the other side to push out the other bushing. we notice the metal plate we are using to push the pipe out with is slightly bent, we hope for the best and continue on anyways.Things are going well
11:50 am
Again the piece has gotten stuck and again I've crawled under the truck torch in hand in order to loosen the bushing. This time using a patented squinty technique with my eyes to protect them from oncomig sparks
11:57 am
I've heated the one side of the metal and repositioned myself to heat the other side, conveniently making it so that if said pipe I was heating decided to turn into a high powered cannon, my head would be it's primary target. Squinty technique is working wonderfully
(note the heavy foreshadowing in that last entry)
12:00 pm
BAMMAGE!!!
The Squinty technique! they do nothing!!!
12:00 pm
I don't know where I am, who I am, or what's going on, all I know is that every nerve in my head is on fire desperately trying to 'stop-drop-and roll' but to no avail. There is music playing somewhere. Thinking this is the source of my pain I scream at the top my lungs for someone to shut off the radio
12:01 pm
I've managed to scramble out from under the truck whilst screaming every known profanity and curse and making up a few on the spot too. I also took the time to properly shut off the torch (Of course the moment I'm leaking life juice from my head is when I take all the safety precautions)
12:03 pm
Mike has come around the truck to my aid with gauze and bandages (Ta-Da!) I ask him whats going on and why does my head hurt. He says it's best you don't know. I then feel him pull my hoodie out from inside my head, I start to realize that maybe this wasn't the music's fault after all .... maybe
12:04 pm
We've hopped into the car and are on our way to the Tofeild hospital. Mike has phoned my family and let them know what happened. My sister mishears him and thinks I have a metal pipe protruding from my forehead .... and so the rumors begin
12:15 pm
My hands have gone tingly and my head hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. Mike tells me to stay awake and to tell him a story
"There once was a boy named Daniel whose head was destroyed by a flying hunk of metal, He was in so much so pain due to the gaping wound in his forehead and the unseemly amounts of blood lacking in his body, That he couldn't think of a damn story!!!"
That's what i wanted to say but in truth all I could get out was
"..... oh boy ...."
12:30 pm
Have arrived at hospital, mom and dad have made it there as well. The Doc and nurses continually ask me "Did you get knocked out? Or at any time pass out?" To which I promptly reply "No, but I wish I had .... can we knock me out?"
12:45 pm
I'm getting X-rays and have started to go into shock. I'm shaking uncontrollably and heating up fast. I ask the nurses to please cut off my clothes. They smartly refuse, knowing that without my clothing acting as a buffer they won't be able to control their animalistic cravings to ravish my body. I would die in a porn cliche
1:00 pm
I have returned from x-ray and have begun to throw up blood. I apologize to the nurses and offer to help clean up. They laugh a knowing little laugh and tell me "I think you have bigger worries sweetie" I'm not at my most humorous right now and attempt to glare at them. In my gory state I'm pretty sure it went unnoticed, curse you bloodied face!!!
1:15 pm
The Doc has frozen my head and cleaned the wound ...... we finally see that I've cracked my skull and now I need to be rushed to the UofA hospital
2:30 pm
Arrived by ambulance to UofA, and I'm swarmed by doctors asking me all sorts of questions. What's your name? Where are you? What day is it? What happened? Does it hurt here? Here?
After answering all of them correctly and letting them know I'm fine other than my head, they stand back a tad baffled by me. It's as if I've answered the meaning of life for them
2:45 pm
Getting prepped for another X-ray and the nurse asks me if I need anything, and i let her know I'm fine but i need to go to the bathroom real bad. She says that's no problem and she'll be right back
2:50 pm
Nurse passes me a bottle. I stare at her with concern in my eyes .... "don't worry I won't look" she assures me
2:52 pm
I'm standing naked in a room full of nurses and doctors peeing into a jar. This really prepared me for the lack of shame you need when staying in a hospital for an extended period of time
3:30 pm
Getting a CT scan of the old brain. For some reason I feel like people will be mad at me for getting this scan and not having a shaved head
4:00 pm
Waiting with my mom, dad and Mike in the ER. I find out Mike drove my car there and remember my cookies! (told you they were important) I excitedly ask my mom to get them, when Mike laughs and says "You had cookies in your car .... I got hungry"
4:15 pm
Neurosurgeon comes by and explains what happened "First off you're extremely lucky to be alive, and second extremely lucky that it looks like you have no brain damage. The best we can compare this to is if some really big guy hit you in the head full force with a sledge hammer. You cracked your skull in two places, the forehead and the sinus. Air leaked into your brain from the initial blow but it looks like no more is getting in. That salty taste in the back of your throat and yellowy liquid is brain fluid, that should hopefully stop. We're gonna stitch you up and keep you here for observation to watch for risks and any further complications. If we get real lucky you might sneak by without having to go through surgery. Sound good?"
"please make the pain go away"
4:30 pm
Nurse asks me the million dollar question "on a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain"
Now I wanted to scream "KAJILLION!!!" But I pondered this query for a moment. I was in an unbelievable amount of pain and could barely function, but I came to the conclusion that there might be a worse pain out there, and I certainly didn't wanna over step my bounds. But at the same time i wanted the strongest pain relief possible, but on the off chance they gave me a second rate pain killer I'd have some play room to get the fancy drugs. So I finally settled on a 9.
Right answer
4:45 pm
I'm in La-La land high on morphine and freezing shots. My neurosurgeon is wearing some ridiculous microscope glasses while stitching me up. I can't help but giggle every time I look up and see these oversized cartoon eyes staring back at me. He has also positioned himself as my favorite doctor by constantly saying "Oh sugar!"
My brow twitches when he injects the freezing = Oh sugar!
He gets a phone call mid-stitchery = Oh sugar!
He misplaces the cotton swab = Oh sugar!
5:30 pm
Finally stitched up and in my new place of residence. The coma ward. Kinda daunting considering my injury, but at least there'd be good conversation.
6:00 pm
I've been moved from coma to the Trauma ward. GO TRAUMA!!!
7:00 pm
I meet my new nurses who will be taking my vitals and taking care of me. They begin the first questionnaire of many that I will receive at the hospital to make sure I know who I am and where I am. The nurses notice my one pupil is bigger than the other and they call in the head nurse to ask what they should do. A tad worried I ask "What does that mean?"
"Usually it's a sign that someone was hit very severely in the head"
"Huh ..... Do you think we should check for other side effects of head trauma? Such as a cracked skull or a wound of some sort?"
My sarcasm does not go unnoticed
7:10 pm
asleep
And so ends my first day in the Crisis of Cracked Cranium. As you can see in a match up between a rocketed piece of metal and my head, Dan-O's thick noggin wins out!!!
Tomorrow I'll post up some of my experiences during my stay at the hospital. There's more shenanigans to come in this crisis so stay tuned!
See ya back here,
Same Dan-Time!
Same Dan-Channel!
Yeah, yeah i know "But Danny why none of the usual formalities?" You wanna know why? I'll tell you why you needy life sucking LEECHES!!! (I'm meant that last part in the nicest way possible.) Cause Danny almost died bringing you his latest answer that's why!
Anywhoo on with the show
Which is tougher? A thick piece of metal shot like a cannon with 20 tonnes of pressure behind it or Danny's skull?
Well dear readers on my constant quest to solve all your conundrums I have gone and field tested this one mythbusters style and will now present to you my finders in a little peice i like to call....
Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!!
February 13, 2010
9:10 am
arrive at work 10 minutes late
9:11 am
Lovingly stare at my cookies in the seat next to me (These cookies are crucial to the story later, remember them as they were ... delicious, chewy and tasty) and give my hula girl a little tap to get her dancing before I leave the car
9:12 am
No one else is at work so my late-ness goes unnoticed, Boo-Yahh! Great start to what is sure to be a wonderful day
9:45 am
after some clean up and prep I decide to work on the big gravel hauling truck we have in the shop. We need to remove a bushing from the suspension and it won't budge. So I've farmer rigged a push system using a 20 tonne jack, a thick piece of plate metal and some chains. System works good I begin pushing the piece out
10:00 am
The bushing is stuck again so I've grabbed a torch and crawled under the truck in order to heat the piping and loosen it up
10:15 am
Something has sparked real pruddy like and sent a glowing hot shard of metal past the safety glasses and straight into my retina .... F@#$!!!
10:30 am
I've managed to crawl out from under the truck still blind in one eye, found the first aid kit. There are gauzes and bandages (what good are those for!?) but no eye washer, suckage.
10:35 am
spot the hose in the corner
10:40 am
I am bent over the floor drain spewing the glacier cold contains of the hose directly into my eye cursing the sparks parentage
11:00 am
The metal fragment has kindly left my eye. I think to myself "well at least I got the worst of the day out of the way" (poor, sweet, naive Dan) just then Mike (My boss/friend) arrives at the shop, calls me a pussy and tells me to get to work
11:30 am
Me and Mike have successfully gotten the one bushing free, and have moved my farmer rigged jack thingy to the other side to push out the other bushing. we notice the metal plate we are using to push the pipe out with is slightly bent, we hope for the best and continue on anyways.Things are going well
11:50 am
Again the piece has gotten stuck and again I've crawled under the truck torch in hand in order to loosen the bushing. This time using a patented squinty technique with my eyes to protect them from oncomig sparks
11:57 am
I've heated the one side of the metal and repositioned myself to heat the other side, conveniently making it so that if said pipe I was heating decided to turn into a high powered cannon, my head would be it's primary target. Squinty technique is working wonderfully
(note the heavy foreshadowing in that last entry)
12:00 pm
BAMMAGE!!!
The Squinty technique! they do nothing!!!
12:00 pm
I don't know where I am, who I am, or what's going on, all I know is that every nerve in my head is on fire desperately trying to 'stop-drop-and roll' but to no avail. There is music playing somewhere. Thinking this is the source of my pain I scream at the top my lungs for someone to shut off the radio
12:01 pm
I've managed to scramble out from under the truck whilst screaming every known profanity and curse and making up a few on the spot too. I also took the time to properly shut off the torch (Of course the moment I'm leaking life juice from my head is when I take all the safety precautions)
12:03 pm
Mike has come around the truck to my aid with gauze and bandages (Ta-Da!) I ask him whats going on and why does my head hurt. He says it's best you don't know. I then feel him pull my hoodie out from inside my head, I start to realize that maybe this wasn't the music's fault after all .... maybe
12:04 pm
We've hopped into the car and are on our way to the Tofeild hospital. Mike has phoned my family and let them know what happened. My sister mishears him and thinks I have a metal pipe protruding from my forehead .... and so the rumors begin
12:15 pm
My hands have gone tingly and my head hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. Mike tells me to stay awake and to tell him a story
"There once was a boy named Daniel whose head was destroyed by a flying hunk of metal, He was in so much so pain due to the gaping wound in his forehead and the unseemly amounts of blood lacking in his body, That he couldn't think of a damn story!!!"
That's what i wanted to say but in truth all I could get out was
"..... oh boy ...."
12:30 pm
Have arrived at hospital, mom and dad have made it there as well. The Doc and nurses continually ask me "Did you get knocked out? Or at any time pass out?" To which I promptly reply "No, but I wish I had .... can we knock me out?"
12:45 pm
I'm getting X-rays and have started to go into shock. I'm shaking uncontrollably and heating up fast. I ask the nurses to please cut off my clothes. They smartly refuse, knowing that without my clothing acting as a buffer they won't be able to control their animalistic cravings to ravish my body. I would die in a porn cliche
1:00 pm
I have returned from x-ray and have begun to throw up blood. I apologize to the nurses and offer to help clean up. They laugh a knowing little laugh and tell me "I think you have bigger worries sweetie" I'm not at my most humorous right now and attempt to glare at them. In my gory state I'm pretty sure it went unnoticed, curse you bloodied face!!!
1:15 pm
The Doc has frozen my head and cleaned the wound ...... we finally see that I've cracked my skull and now I need to be rushed to the UofA hospital
2:30 pm
Arrived by ambulance to UofA, and I'm swarmed by doctors asking me all sorts of questions. What's your name? Where are you? What day is it? What happened? Does it hurt here? Here?
After answering all of them correctly and letting them know I'm fine other than my head, they stand back a tad baffled by me. It's as if I've answered the meaning of life for them
2:45 pm
Getting prepped for another X-ray and the nurse asks me if I need anything, and i let her know I'm fine but i need to go to the bathroom real bad. She says that's no problem and she'll be right back
2:50 pm
Nurse passes me a bottle. I stare at her with concern in my eyes .... "don't worry I won't look" she assures me
2:52 pm
I'm standing naked in a room full of nurses and doctors peeing into a jar. This really prepared me for the lack of shame you need when staying in a hospital for an extended period of time
3:30 pm
Getting a CT scan of the old brain. For some reason I feel like people will be mad at me for getting this scan and not having a shaved head
4:00 pm
Waiting with my mom, dad and Mike in the ER. I find out Mike drove my car there and remember my cookies! (told you they were important) I excitedly ask my mom to get them, when Mike laughs and says "You had cookies in your car .... I got hungry"
4:15 pm
Neurosurgeon comes by and explains what happened "First off you're extremely lucky to be alive, and second extremely lucky that it looks like you have no brain damage. The best we can compare this to is if some really big guy hit you in the head full force with a sledge hammer. You cracked your skull in two places, the forehead and the sinus. Air leaked into your brain from the initial blow but it looks like no more is getting in. That salty taste in the back of your throat and yellowy liquid is brain fluid, that should hopefully stop. We're gonna stitch you up and keep you here for observation to watch for risks and any further complications. If we get real lucky you might sneak by without having to go through surgery. Sound good?"
"please make the pain go away"
4:30 pm
Nurse asks me the million dollar question "on a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain"
Now I wanted to scream "KAJILLION!!!" But I pondered this query for a moment. I was in an unbelievable amount of pain and could barely function, but I came to the conclusion that there might be a worse pain out there, and I certainly didn't wanna over step my bounds. But at the same time i wanted the strongest pain relief possible, but on the off chance they gave me a second rate pain killer I'd have some play room to get the fancy drugs. So I finally settled on a 9.
Right answer
4:45 pm
I'm in La-La land high on morphine and freezing shots. My neurosurgeon is wearing some ridiculous microscope glasses while stitching me up. I can't help but giggle every time I look up and see these oversized cartoon eyes staring back at me. He has also positioned himself as my favorite doctor by constantly saying "Oh sugar!"
My brow twitches when he injects the freezing = Oh sugar!
He gets a phone call mid-stitchery = Oh sugar!
He misplaces the cotton swab = Oh sugar!
5:30 pm
Finally stitched up and in my new place of residence. The coma ward. Kinda daunting considering my injury, but at least there'd be good conversation.
6:00 pm
I've been moved from coma to the Trauma ward. GO TRAUMA!!!
7:00 pm
I meet my new nurses who will be taking my vitals and taking care of me. They begin the first questionnaire of many that I will receive at the hospital to make sure I know who I am and where I am. The nurses notice my one pupil is bigger than the other and they call in the head nurse to ask what they should do. A tad worried I ask "What does that mean?"
"Usually it's a sign that someone was hit very severely in the head"
"Huh ..... Do you think we should check for other side effects of head trauma? Such as a cracked skull or a wound of some sort?"
My sarcasm does not go unnoticed
7:10 pm
asleep
And so ends my first day in the Crisis of Cracked Cranium. As you can see in a match up between a rocketed piece of metal and my head, Dan-O's thick noggin wins out!!!
Tomorrow I'll post up some of my experiences during my stay at the hospital. There's more shenanigans to come in this crisis so stay tuned!
See ya back here,
Same Dan-Time!
Same Dan-Channel!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Texts from last Rumble
So this last Sunday was the WWE's annual Royal Rumble and for the first time in a long time this year I got back to watching wrestling again and decided to watch this event with a bunch of friends. And we decided to have a little fun and play a drinking game invented by my good friend and mentor Roger. Here's the rules if you're interested
Royal Rumble Drinking Game
Base rules:
Every time a Wrestler enters the Rumble, you drink
Every time a Wrestler is eliminated, you drink
Now the fun part Randomness:
Everyone picks one or two wrestlers, two for hardcore, one if your not. If its an old Royal Rumble, you can draw numbers/names from a hat, to decide on your wrestler.
*Shots can replace a chug.
When your guy enters the ring, you chug.
When your guy is disqualified, you chug.
Hardcore additional rules:
If your puts out a guy, everyone else drinks twice.
If your guy puts out some one else’s guy, they chug twice.
If your guy is put out by some one else’s guy you chug twice
Exceptional Hardcore:
If one of your guys puts out your other guy, you do four shots.
If a wrestler does a finisher, drink.
If an exceptional chop is done, drink.
If Ric flair woos, drink.
All in all the rumble was a radtacularly good time, and the drinking game was a blast
(some other people may argue that point and say that this was our first bad decision. I like to think it was the first bad decision in a whole lotta bad decisions that added up to one big good decision!)
Night started off pretty well, good times had by all watching some good old wrassiln' and gearing up for the rumble. Most of us including myself choose to play by the Exceptional Hardcore rules, second bad decision. We decide against replacing all drinks with straight shots, first and last good decision. And then Jay right before the match made the point that only 25 of the 30 wrestlers had been announced and that we should add another rule where we pick a 'Mystery wrestler' and if they enter the ring everyone else does 4 additional drinks. This was officially our last bad decision of the night.
For a more indepth look at the nights matches and highlights of some of the commentary from the night head on over to my friend Jeff's blog here
http://heat.rentathugcomics.com/?p=57
So we had our Rumble drinking party going on, and at the same time halfway across town Roger and his brother had their rumble drinking party going on. Me and Roger were the link between the two parties via text. And so I'd like to present to you a look at the Royal Rumble Drinking Game through a text screen.....
Dan: I picked Kane and Yoshi as my wrestlers, I think Yoshi's a japanese guy but I really hope it's the dinosaur from Mario
Roger: Dam Khalis giant man boobs and his pathetic ring out
Dan: I'd still motorboat them
D: Melissa picked CM punk and HBK Jay is gonna @#%$ punch her
R: I don't know what that means but I like it
R:Sob
R:Wanna curl
R: LOL oh man a friend picked edge
D: Laugh the booze away
R: I need to puke
D: need help I'm swimming in gay drinks
R: Beer is Gay vodka = straight sex
R:I'm something somehogn
D: I don't understand that but I support your decisions
R:Next year Buckets
R: Go go go! On to 97 rumble!
D: Your my hero and illegitamite child
D: I'm Jay's gay Friend!
R: Can I also be sparkaly gay super friend?
D: Jay finds you attractive
R: I also want to run my long fingers through his blonde hair
D: He regrets his lack of blonde hair
R: I was chugging oatmeal blackales
D: Is that 4% and you're a #@$% .... jay's words
Dan: I'm drunk ps I love yoooooooooooou! Like a midget loves a step ladder
Abby: Uh k
(Abby's my girlfriend for all you unlearned folk, and yes she is real I swear!)
R: Perkins (bleacher creature) says if you are real fans you will do another rumble
D: Jay says if you were a real fan you'll suck jays @#$%
Abby: Ya, so ur not drunk then?
Dan: No I defintly drunk like funk
R: I got Vader in 97
D: I never knew they allowed sith in wrestling
R: He beat a hooker
D: I want to father his children
R: Nice! Did people have fun there?
D: People died and you're a @$%#ing idiot ps I love you
D: He's around the toilet boo yah!
R: what was he drinking? I was doing dark ales
D: he was drinking meth
R:Hardcore I like It
D: you wanna make a
R: Baby? yes
R: Aluminum makes me hot
D: You make me feel funny like the rope in gym class
R: We just did a cheer to my friend Stevens penis!
D: We would also like to cheer to his penis
R: Nice. Please suck his left ball
D: Way ahead of you
R: I give you slivers with my penis of wood!
D: Me course
R: Pictures?
D: of my penis?
R: To the max you sweet 20 year farm boy
D: I'm 22 and a half!!!
R: Boo you lying mo to CHUG!!!
D: CHUG YOU SLUT!
R: Lies and poppy cock
R: CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!
R: that was Candance telling you to chug
D: Hello Candance is it just me or am I hot in here
D: Wanna have a bromance?
R: Um roger or Candance?
D: I can't have a bromance with candance shes a womanfolk
R: Dam her and her exquisite breads!
D: She has bread?
R: Breasts
D: Breasts are also good
D: Give me the bread and all will be spared!
R: Awe I'm so linley and without the bromance
D: stop just stop ... you had me at wood penis
R: women want girth
D: so I should get fat?
R: Yes!
R: Put a drunk to ned
D: Draw help me no their heads backwards!
R: I like the way you move
D: Lets make a music video!
D: Alive?
R: that I am but very drunk how is the sister party?
D: Done, jay is crippled, had two pass out, I'm waiting for my ride but feeling peachy
R: Sweaty and dry. I may have caused ripping. But love shall prevail
D: Are you sexting me? or was that about my mother?
R: A little bit of both
D:Good cause that got me all hot and bothered. I'm ripping off your blouse
can't wait for next years haha
Royal Rumble Drinking Game
Base rules:
Every time a Wrestler enters the Rumble, you drink
Every time a Wrestler is eliminated, you drink
Now the fun part Randomness:
Everyone picks one or two wrestlers, two for hardcore, one if your not. If its an old Royal Rumble, you can draw numbers/names from a hat, to decide on your wrestler.
*Shots can replace a chug.
When your guy enters the ring, you chug.
When your guy is disqualified, you chug.
Hardcore additional rules:
If your puts out a guy, everyone else drinks twice.
If your guy puts out some one else’s guy, they chug twice.
If your guy is put out by some one else’s guy you chug twice
Exceptional Hardcore:
If one of your guys puts out your other guy, you do four shots.
If a wrestler does a finisher, drink.
If an exceptional chop is done, drink.
If Ric flair woos, drink.
All in all the rumble was a radtacularly good time, and the drinking game was a blast
(some other people may argue that point and say that this was our first bad decision. I like to think it was the first bad decision in a whole lotta bad decisions that added up to one big good decision!)
Night started off pretty well, good times had by all watching some good old wrassiln' and gearing up for the rumble. Most of us including myself choose to play by the Exceptional Hardcore rules, second bad decision. We decide against replacing all drinks with straight shots, first and last good decision. And then Jay right before the match made the point that only 25 of the 30 wrestlers had been announced and that we should add another rule where we pick a 'Mystery wrestler' and if they enter the ring everyone else does 4 additional drinks. This was officially our last bad decision of the night.
For a more indepth look at the nights matches and highlights of some of the commentary from the night head on over to my friend Jeff's blog here
http://heat.rentathugcomics.com/?p=57
So we had our Rumble drinking party going on, and at the same time halfway across town Roger and his brother had their rumble drinking party going on. Me and Roger were the link between the two parties via text. And so I'd like to present to you a look at the Royal Rumble Drinking Game through a text screen.....
Dan: I picked Kane and Yoshi as my wrestlers, I think Yoshi's a japanese guy but I really hope it's the dinosaur from Mario
Roger: Dam Khalis giant man boobs and his pathetic ring out
Dan: I'd still motorboat them
D: Melissa picked CM punk and HBK Jay is gonna @#%$ punch her
R: I don't know what that means but I like it
R:Sob
R:Wanna curl
R: LOL oh man a friend picked edge
D: Laugh the booze away
R: I need to puke
D: need help I'm swimming in gay drinks
R: Beer is Gay vodka = straight sex
R:I'm something somehogn
D: I don't understand that but I support your decisions
R:Next year Buckets
R: Go go go! On to 97 rumble!
D: Your my hero and illegitamite child
D: I'm Jay's gay Friend!
R: Can I also be sparkaly gay super friend?
D: Jay finds you attractive
R: I also want to run my long fingers through his blonde hair
D: He regrets his lack of blonde hair
R: I was chugging oatmeal blackales
D: Is that 4% and you're a #@$% .... jay's words
Dan: I'm drunk ps I love yoooooooooooou! Like a midget loves a step ladder
Abby: Uh k
(Abby's my girlfriend for all you unlearned folk, and yes she is real I swear!)
R: Perkins (bleacher creature) says if you are real fans you will do another rumble
D: Jay says if you were a real fan you'll suck jays @#$%
Abby: Ya, so ur not drunk then?
Dan: No I defintly drunk like funk
R: I got Vader in 97
D: I never knew they allowed sith in wrestling
R: He beat a hooker
D: I want to father his children
R: Nice! Did people have fun there?
D: People died and you're a @$%#ing idiot ps I love you
D: He's around the toilet boo yah!
R: what was he drinking? I was doing dark ales
D: he was drinking meth
R:Hardcore I like It
D: you wanna make a
R: Baby? yes
R: Aluminum makes me hot
D: You make me feel funny like the rope in gym class
R: We just did a cheer to my friend Stevens penis!
D: We would also like to cheer to his penis
R: Nice. Please suck his left ball
D: Way ahead of you
R: I give you slivers with my penis of wood!
D: Me course
R: Pictures?
D: of my penis?
R: To the max you sweet 20 year farm boy
D: I'm 22 and a half!!!
R: Boo you lying mo to CHUG!!!
D: CHUG YOU SLUT!
R: Lies and poppy cock
R: CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!
R: that was Candance telling you to chug
D: Hello Candance is it just me or am I hot in here
D: Wanna have a bromance?
R: Um roger or Candance?
D: I can't have a bromance with candance shes a womanfolk
R: Dam her and her exquisite breads!
D: She has bread?
R: Breasts
D: Breasts are also good
D: Give me the bread and all will be spared!
R: Awe I'm so linley and without the bromance
D: stop just stop ... you had me at wood penis
R: women want girth
D: so I should get fat?
R: Yes!
R: Put a drunk to ned
D: Draw help me no their heads backwards!
R: I like the way you move
D: Lets make a music video!
D: Alive?
R: that I am but very drunk how is the sister party?
D: Done, jay is crippled, had two pass out, I'm waiting for my ride but feeling peachy
R: Sweaty and dry. I may have caused ripping. But love shall prevail
D: Are you sexting me? or was that about my mother?
R: A little bit of both
D:Good cause that got me all hot and bothered. I'm ripping off your blouse
can't wait for next years haha
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Working hard for my money!
Hello my blog reading peeps! And how are you this fine evening?
(points for answering this question and bonus points for answering this in the form of a question)
So you've probably asked yourself many times "Whatever could Daniel, that delicious piece of man meat, be doing whilst he is away from the webbernets?" Well ladies and stalkers alike today you're in luck, in this installment of Blog-O-Dan I shall answer that very question!
So I work at home on the family farm and as a comic book artist. But I'm just breaking into comics so every now and then I pick up odd jobs to help pay bills and give me some play money (aka hookers and blow money).
So far I've been a welders helper, picture framer, house framer, bush burner, art teacher, head of animal operations at a rodeo, construction worker, packing truck operator, Assistant manager in a department store, website evaluator and house demolisher. Right now I've picked up another odd job as an assistant mechanic on a big gravel hauling truck, we're rebuilding it from scratch. Anywhoo it's pretty fun, I get to work with my hands, build up a sweet and learn lots of junk, but the best part is the mechanic I'm working with the 65 year old man Ray.
Working with Ray is pretty much like working with Grandpa Simpson. He'll talk your ear off for an hour about trucks, fire extinguishers and swearing in the workplace and end the entire conversation by saying "and thats why me and my wife married so young"
But the best part about Ray is what he unknowingly calls his tools. I have used this to my advantage and for my own amusement. Here is an actual conversation I had with him today.
Ray "Danny have you seen the strap-on, I've been looking everywhere and can't find the sneaky bugger"
Me "I got the strap-on over here Ray, I'm just playing with the nuts."
Ray "Oh good, you keep playing with them I'll get you the rubber"
Me "But Ray I thought if we're using a strap-on you don't need a rubber"
Ray "Yes you always need a rubber, they keep the nuts dry"
Me "But ray I like getting my nuts wet, and the rubber doesn't feel good, besides there's no risk of disease with a strap-on"
Ray " ...... what do you mean no risk of disease .... just put the rubber on it's good for the nuts trust me when you get as old as me you'll learn these things"
Me "Does that mean when I get older I'll have to use the strap-on too Ray?"
Ray "Oh no, you should always use them, strap-ons do wonders for you"
Me "Great my girlfriend will be happy she loves strap-ons"
Ray "Oh so she's something of a mechanic too?"
Me "nope just loves strap-ons ... hey let me see those nipples"
Ray "What? Why? We don't need nipples there"
Me "I just like touching them when I work with the strap-on Ray, flicking them, nibbling on them, just having fun"
Ray ".......... haha never heard of that before but ok, as long as you get the work done"
The majority of our conversations are like this, me poking fun and giggling to myself at the sexually charged tool names and him utterly befuddled by what I'm saying. But then at the end of today old Ray hit me with one outta left field that went something like this ......
Ray "Oh boy Dan you should have seen my daughter when she was younger, about your age, man was she tight"
Me " ............ " *frozen in place with a deer-in-head-lights look on my face*
Ray "Me and my wife always said we couldn't believe how tight she was, cause she certainly never got it from us"
Me "uuuhhhh ......."
Ray "All the young boys and girls always said she was the tightest haha"
Me *at this point I lost all color in my face*
Ray "You'd have loved her, its so great dating a girl like that, they pinch every penny and you never have to spend a dime on them"
Me "OH! You mean tight with her money!"
Ray "yeah .... why?"
So I got about another week of work with old Ray, should provide me with some interesting stories haha
So thats all for me today, catch you all back here again, whenever I update this thing again, and as a parting gift I leave you all with a question.
Who were some interesting co-workers in your life?
(points for answering this question and bonus points for answering this in the form of a question)
So you've probably asked yourself many times "Whatever could Daniel, that delicious piece of man meat, be doing whilst he is away from the webbernets?" Well ladies and stalkers alike today you're in luck, in this installment of Blog-O-Dan I shall answer that very question!
So I work at home on the family farm and as a comic book artist. But I'm just breaking into comics so every now and then I pick up odd jobs to help pay bills and give me some play money (aka hookers and blow money).
So far I've been a welders helper, picture framer, house framer, bush burner, art teacher, head of animal operations at a rodeo, construction worker, packing truck operator, Assistant manager in a department store, website evaluator and house demolisher. Right now I've picked up another odd job as an assistant mechanic on a big gravel hauling truck, we're rebuilding it from scratch. Anywhoo it's pretty fun, I get to work with my hands, build up a sweet and learn lots of junk, but the best part is the mechanic I'm working with the 65 year old man Ray.
Working with Ray is pretty much like working with Grandpa Simpson. He'll talk your ear off for an hour about trucks, fire extinguishers and swearing in the workplace and end the entire conversation by saying "and thats why me and my wife married so young"
But the best part about Ray is what he unknowingly calls his tools. I have used this to my advantage and for my own amusement. Here is an actual conversation I had with him today.
Ray "Danny have you seen the strap-on, I've been looking everywhere and can't find the sneaky bugger"
Me "I got the strap-on over here Ray, I'm just playing with the nuts."
Ray "Oh good, you keep playing with them I'll get you the rubber"
Me "But Ray I thought if we're using a strap-on you don't need a rubber"
Ray "Yes you always need a rubber, they keep the nuts dry"
Me "But ray I like getting my nuts wet, and the rubber doesn't feel good, besides there's no risk of disease with a strap-on"
Ray " ...... what do you mean no risk of disease .... just put the rubber on it's good for the nuts trust me when you get as old as me you'll learn these things"
Me "Does that mean when I get older I'll have to use the strap-on too Ray?"
Ray "Oh no, you should always use them, strap-ons do wonders for you"
Me "Great my girlfriend will be happy she loves strap-ons"
Ray "Oh so she's something of a mechanic too?"
Me "nope just loves strap-ons ... hey let me see those nipples"
Ray "What? Why? We don't need nipples there"
Me "I just like touching them when I work with the strap-on Ray, flicking them, nibbling on them, just having fun"
Ray ".......... haha never heard of that before but ok, as long as you get the work done"
The majority of our conversations are like this, me poking fun and giggling to myself at the sexually charged tool names and him utterly befuddled by what I'm saying. But then at the end of today old Ray hit me with one outta left field that went something like this ......
Ray "Oh boy Dan you should have seen my daughter when she was younger, about your age, man was she tight"
Me " ............ " *frozen in place with a deer-in-head-lights look on my face*
Ray "Me and my wife always said we couldn't believe how tight she was, cause she certainly never got it from us"
Me "uuuhhhh ......."
Ray "All the young boys and girls always said she was the tightest haha"
Me *at this point I lost all color in my face*
Ray "You'd have loved her, its so great dating a girl like that, they pinch every penny and you never have to spend a dime on them"
Me "OH! You mean tight with her money!"
Ray "yeah .... why?"
So I got about another week of work with old Ray, should provide me with some interesting stories haha
So thats all for me today, catch you all back here again, whenever I update this thing again, and as a parting gift I leave you all with a question.
Who were some interesting co-workers in your life?
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I'm Dan. This is my description about myself and this blog. I'm here for you.
