Saturday, April 3, 2010

Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Tres!

And here we go with round numero three

And so now I present to you all .....

Warjournal: Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!! Part Tres!

Feburary 16, 2010

2:00 am
I am awoken by the arrival of my newest room mate, Anthony, a Kieth Richards look alike, with an abscess in his leg. I drowsily listen as the nurses get him into his bed, and ask him the deal breaker question of "On a scale of 1 - 10 how much pain are you in?". And just like a veteran beauty pageant judge listening intently to a contestant's answer to this classic yet crucial question I am piosed and ready to condemned or praise his response.
"More than a 10 ... like a 20"
I write down a zero on his score card and know that he has alot of catching up to do if he has any hope of salvaging a friendship with me

5:00 am
A shrill high pitch cry of fear and terror has assailed my eardrums and woken me from my peaceful slumber. It's Anthony crying out for morphine, louder than a howler monkey.

8:00 am
Anthony has become my new snooze button, awaking/terrifying me every three hours with his constant cries for morphine. Luckily this mind shattering scream has woken me just in time for breakfast ....... my bedside table is barren and empty

10:00 am
Still no breakfast. I sit staring with dead eyes at my table silently hoping that somehow I'll develop a latent superpower that allows me to create food from thoughts

11:00 am
My hellish alarm clock anthony is going off once again, and I've come to the sad realization that unplugging him will not shut him up as it would an alarm clock.

11:05 am
The nurses having finished injecting Anthony full of morphine and use this time to ask if he has any allergies to medications or food. He says no but he is a vegetarian..... but he still eats fish and pork. Now I'm not usually one to get on someones case for being a Veggie, but this logic just confuddles me (plus I really didn't like this guy so I was looking for any reason critisize him)
So you've decided that eating a living creature with its own mind and soul is morally wrong, BUT! You'll still eat fish cause they obviously have no soul. I mean any animal that can breath underwater is clearly supernatural and practices in witchcraft. Hence they have no soul and there for your conscience can stay clean and free of guilt while devouring the flesh from their tiny, sharp, throat shredding bones. And as for pigs, they're cannabilistic so clearly they also lack the moral purity of a cow or chicken
You're like a married man claiming its not cheating if it's only oral.

11:10 am
Finished their conversation with Mister "I've been in the hospital for 9 hours and am already addicted to morphine" the nurses come by and ask if I need anything. I just let them know that I didn't get a breakfast. They say that they must have mixed me up with Anthony, who isn't allowed to eat today and that they'll fix it by lunch

12:00 pm
Lunch arrives, I am giddy with excitement just like a kid at their first day of school. But just like that same wide-eyed and hopeful kid my dreams are thoroughly crushed and smothered when I notice my meal is vegetarian.... Anthony will pay for this

1:00 pm
My Mom, Dad and sister Justine have arrived at the hospital. Justine has baked me a giant batch of fresh cookies, Yayness! My dad having lost his thought-to-speech filter long ago emmdiately exclaims "Wow! Your head really blew up today, you look like a lightbulb. Doesn't he look like a light bulb? Man it's huge, and your one eye is way off from the other one, like both are black and swollen but that one is kinda droopy" I then excuse myself from the room to run off into my bell tower to cry alone.
I bring the cookies, they will heal my pain

2:00 pm
Everyone in the room jumps to their feet ready to defend themselves from the demon that is wailing in our room. I inform them of my newest room mates cute quirk and they reluctantly settle back into their seats

4:00 pm
Anthony has been whisked away for surgery. My mom than takes this moment to turn to me and say "This has been really nice for you hey Danny? Really peaceful and relaxing"
"Yeah mom, it's like staying at a spa. I should do this more often"

5:00 pm
I'm dreaming I'm in a fight with boxing glove adorned racoon. Sweat dripping from my brow I stare with detrimination and resolve into the black beady eyes of my nemisis. His mask trying to hide the emotion on his face, but I a seasoned veteran trained by the great Rocky himself in the ways of the ring can see the fear that resides within those tiny furry features. His clawed feet scatter across the mat as he throws punches with wild abandon hoping to land some sort of advantage over me. I float out of his way like a hawk on the breeze and land a mighty blow directly into his left temple!
I bolt awake the IV needle in my hand throbbing from pain from the punch I so accurately landed upon the bedside desk.

7:00 pm
My roomie/alarm clock returns from surgery, he is barely aware of anything being still heavily induced by the anesthesia. But he still manages to mumble morphine, over and over again, like some poor drug addicted parrot

Feburary 17

3:00 am
awoken for the countless time by either Anthony's newly developed snoring or his harpy like shrieks. I take a moment to check myself out in the mirror
I still look like Quasimodo's hunchbackless cousin

5:00 am
The nurses are chatting just outside my room. The air is full of joyful laughter and tales of their weekend romps. Drifting in and out of sleep listening to this really seemed to affect my dreams from this day forward. And so starts the first dream episode of "Doctor Dan M.D." A drama focused around the life and loves of the local nurses and doctors at the UofA hospital. Doctor Dan M.D. is our central character who's boyish good looks and devil may care attitude have made him the lust of all the beautiful buxom nurses in the ward

9:00 am
Anthony has a visitor. And having nothing better to do I listen in on their conversation (don't judge me, we all do it. At least I admit to it) I reel in shock as I hear him proclaim to his friend that the nurses here have been wenches and refuse to give him any medication! (this statement of his burns me so much I almost break the universal eavesdropper's rule and give him my input on the whole situation) I start to envision myself running over there and drop kicking him right in the abscess!

9:30 am
An old farmer who's a friend of the family is apparently also in my ward and has dropped by for a visit. I am enthralled by the housecoat he's wearing, it's much more dignified than the peice of paper they have wrapped around my pale skinny frame. I wonder how I could get myself a housecoat like that and enter into the club of the sophisticated patients.

10:00 am
I ask the nurses if I can leave my room once again. Gaia the nurse in charge says she'll have another nurse come by in half hour and escort me around the ward to see if I'm ok to be given parole privelages

10:30 am
Leash in mouth and tail a wagging I eagerly await my walk. My escort nurse arrives and presents to me a gift .... A SHINY NEW HOUSECOAT!!! I step back, arms held out as she places it upon my shoulders like a royal kings robe. I take a moment to soak in the glorious light shining from my treasured housecoat
I nod my head trying to hold back the tears swelling up in my eyes. Standing at the edge of my door happiness apparent on my face as I look out at the cusp freedom. I dramatically take my first step imitating Neil Armstrong
"this is one small step for Dan, and one giant leap for Dankind"

10:35 am
After butchering a few more classic quotes, me and my escort nurse take our walk around the ward. She follows behind my every step wheelchair held out ready to catch my inevitable fall. I feel like the proverbiale egg on the end of a spoon, with her every sense focused on getting me to the end of this quick journey without having me fall and crack open thereby losing her the race.

10:40 am
After seeing that I am indeed fully mobile and not teetering like a see-saw with every step, she takes me for a tour of the whole hospital (wheel chair safety net free) And says that I am now allowed out of my room and allowed to walk around the hospital without an escort. This is the closest I will ever come in my life to getting a college diploma

1:00 pm
Doctor Dan finds himself in a sticky situation. He and his lovely leading lady Abby have dinner plans and the ritziest restuarant in town. But when Kermit the frog comes into the hospital going into cardiac arrest, Dan the only muppet certified doctor is forced to miss his date and save this dying frog's life. Will Abby forgive our dashing doctor? Is it really not so easy being green? Find out on this heart-stopping episode of "Doctor Dan M.D."!!!

3:00 pm
The neurosurgeons working on my case come by and give me an update. "Everythings going great, you're doing better than expected. You're free of brain damage, the swelling is starting to go down, no more air is leaking in and nothing is leaking out. We'll get you scanned once more to check for infections and to check out your sinus to see how thats doing. But it looks like you'll get out of here not needing any surgery!"

Feburary 18

6:00 am
I awoken by my newest nurse Ana, who is the real life version of the family guy maid Consuela
(If you don't know who that is watch this video ... re=related)
She becomes my newly designated go-to-nurse for all my inquiries about the profession. Not because she is the most helpful, but because her answers are the most hilarious.
"Ana is it true that chicks really do dig scars?"
"A lady did this to you?"
"What? ... no"
"Why she hit you with a shovel?"
"She didn't hit me with a shovel, a big piece of metal shot like a cannon hit me in the head"
"A CANNON!? Oh deary, deary me, you must have made your lady really mad"
"Ana, my ladyfriend is in Anahiem she didn't do this to me"
".... I am confused"
"We both are"

11:00 am
Having sat peirced through my veins uselessly for the last 3 days, the nurses decide to remove my IV needles. No longer feeling like a Voodoo doll and relishing in my newly needle free fists I exclaim to Ana that I'm so happy I feel like randomly punching things. She gives me a disapproving stare and scolds "You a weird child you know that"

3:00 pm
My girlfriend Abby has gotten home from Anaheim. It's my first chance to talk to her in full detail about the whole accident. After a brief description of the injuries I recieve this text
The cookies prove a useful comfort food once again

Feburary 19

10:00 am
The neurosurgeons are concerned about my sinus cavity and want the nose specialist to look at my scans and X-rays. I inform Abby and she tells me "If they're gonna give you a nose job you should go for the Micheal Jackson look"
"Black MJ or White MJ?"
"Don't be an idiot. Clearly the skeletal white MJ nose"

3:00 pm
The nose doctors have been in surgery all day and weren't able to look at my scans, so the lead doctor comes by and lets me know he'll look at them on the following monday. He then makes arrangements to get me a weekend pass to let me leave the hospital for a day and a half to pass the time till then.
It's official, I'm one straight jacket away from being a certified crazy

3:30 pm
I have come to the conclusion that I'm not enough of a genius in any one area of intellegence in order to become one of those "rain man" like crazy people and will have to settle for "animal obesessed" crazy person. So having chosen my future profession, I now begin my research to see which field I would like to specialize in for my diploma.
Cats seem to be a gender specific crazy. Now I could be a pioneer in the profession and become the first crazy cat man, defying odds and shattering all expectations. But this seems to be a more direct-aggressive crazy and I am a very passive-aggressive person, so this will never work. Birds might be nice, those guys are always a quiet, sweet, old man kinda crazy. Eyes constantly looking up in wonder towards their affection. Nuzzling and whispering sweet nothings into the non-existant ears of their avain lovers. It's really sweet and heart-warming in a creepy kinda way. But the clean up seems like alot of work, so let's see what else we can find. Dog people aren't crazy they're "Animal lovers". Horse people have those sparkly outfits, which never never brings out the right color in my eyes. Rats always seem to lead down the mass-murdering psycho-path road. Fish people have no social lives and reptile people are doomed virgins. And so this leaves me with one last option ....
Cows. The irony does not go unnoticed

And so ends another tale of "Crisis of Cranium Crackage!!!". On the next episode hear about my one sweet day of freedom and the nurses crusade to get me the heck out of the hospital!

See ya all back here next time!
Same Dan-time!
Same Dan-channel!

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