Thursday, April 15, 2010

That John Denver is Full of S#@%!!!

Hark! My fellow peers! For today I come to you with a mission, a mission to cast back the deceptions cast over our minds by a golden haired bard. For too long we've been content to let the waters sit placid. Today I plan to cause a stir and reveal the truths hiding under the surface of this tantalizing tune.

"Thank God I'm a Country Boy" by John Denver

Don't let his dutch boy haircut and complete lack of fashion sense fool you. This man and his most classic of songs are folk singers equivalent of a decepticon. Unassuming and quietly comforting at first, it eases into your life with its simple charming enthusiasm. But suddenly with a confounding "CHAKKA CHAKKA!" they transform and reveal the truth.

And so as a public service I will now uncover the truths for you. In a piece I like to call (if I could quote the great Llyod Christmas)

That John Denver is Full of S@#$!

let us begin ...

-"Well life on a farm is kinda laid back"

These 9 simple words that open our song are the start of a cleverly plotted out lie woven together into a lovely tapestry made to cover over the truth of the matter. I've been laid out on my back before yes, but by charging cattle not by a swedish masseuse. And although the beautiful bovines do resemble Olga, I wouldn't call this R&R.

-"It's early to rise, early in the sack"

I gotta give old Johnny boy credit, the man knows the in's and out's of crafting a proper lie. Half truths hold together a better lie. Well before the sun has ever even had a chance to hit the snooze button, I'm treated to a soft rapping on my door and my fathers hushed voice
"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bacey"
Having not fully escaped my dream I believe these encouraging words and stumble downstairs. And just like any drunk waking in the morning eager to gaze upon his prized princess, I too with newly acquired sober eyes and mind realize it was all but a fantasy for instead of my princess, a crusty buttered up reality lies before me
But you continue on with your work day knowing that the promise of a speedy return to recreation was given. This small spark of hope instilled in you is enough to get you started and that is all they need. Cause after all since you're already out there feeding cows, we might as well wash them all, and since we're washing them it would be silly not to clip their hair, and now that we're past twilight and our sight has adjusted to the lack of light we might as well develop a complicated lever and pulley system to stop gophers from digging holes in the pasture!

-"A simple kind of life never did me no harm"

Harm is definitely a mistress you flirt with everyday on a farm. Luring you in with a bat of her big brown doe eyes, letting you get comfortable and relaxed in her sweet innocent presence, and just when you make your move .... BAM!!! In comes her ride home with rib cracking authority! You'd think this would be enough to learn your lesson, but like the sex addled brained teenager you'll be tempted time and time again. It's at about the time he says this line that I'm starting to think the only thing Mr. Denver ever farmed was ants

-"When the sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle"

This one is true in most cases ... not so much mine. I like to compare my families eating habits to that of a family of Boa constrictors. Contrary to the 3 squares meals a day we instead preferred 1 over-sized oblong meal a week. We gorge ourselves on this one meal and let it slowly digest and sustain us throughout the rest of the week

-"Yeah city folks drivin' in a black limousine, A lotta sad people think that's a mighty keen, Well son let me tell you exactly what I mean"

This song is starting to sound like the opening pitch line from a cult recruiting center. We've already glorified the country life style and now we've moved onto guilt you about yours. I'm almost wondering if the only beverage served at John Denver concerts wasn't Kool-Aid. Why it's hard for any poor soul not to resent their fancy smancy smooth running vehicular units, and envy the stop/start Chitty Shitty Bang Bang farm trucks after listening to this merry melody. But Johnny boy does promise to enlighten us about what he means .... only to distract and bedazzle our minds with another jaunty rendition of the chorus, just like any good leader. Promises of answers to life's woes but in actuality they just want us chanting the chorus over and over, while we hand over our "mighty keen" "Black limousine"

I realize at this point I'm starting to sound like a ranting old man, sitting on his front porch shotgun in hand yelling at passing by kids that Santa doesn't exist and I shot the tooth fairy. In all honesty I love everything country. The life, the music, the style, the hardships and excitements of the everyday.

-"Well I wouldn't trade my life for diamonds or jewels"

This line says it all. Contrary to what all my previous nagging would have you believe, there is nothing in this world that could entice me to leave this all behind. Not to say that I wouldn't relish in the wealth if presented with proper amounts of bling, but I refuse trade who I am in exchange. The farm and country is a part of who I am. It's where I grew up and is a big part of who I am today. Farms teach you the joy's of life, death, birth and renewal. You learn about responsibility, for yourself, your fellow man, and most of all the land that provides for you. It's freedom, a place where you aren't afraid to run and scream as loud and hard as you want. Freedom to explore and discover the natural world. I'll take my hairy cattle companions over bristly bustling crowds any day. At the end of the day me and John can set aside our differences and proudly agree on one thing....

Thank God I'm a country boy!


  1. Before I hit the last paragraph, all I could think of was, "Holy cow (pun intended), this guy needs a mOm hug." When I got to the last paragraph, I decided that mOm needs to hug you! (**sob**). As insightful parsing of a song I used to a city slicker, I stand corrected!

    mOm Cocchio