blog o' dan

Welcome one and all, young and old, hottie's and nottie's! To the experience known only as Blog O' Dan!

Usually the first post is where a blogger (me) gives you a little background information about themselves in order to make the reader (you) feel as if they have some sort of pseudo relationship with the blogger. I shall skip those pleasantries today and come back to them another day. For now there is a more pressing matter at hand ..... my review of the movie "The Last Unicorn"

The Last Unicorn is a wondrous movie from my youth. A simple story about a unicorn on a journey to discover if she is truly the last of the unicorns. It was a animated film featuring the voice talents of Mia Farrow, Saruman, Mrs. Potts, the Duracell commercial guy, and the grandpa from Little Miss Sunshine.

The movie opens up with some dimwitted hunters smashing through a forest with a yapping mutt leading the way. The older much wiser hunter then pronounces that theirs clearly a unicorn lives here. As we can clearly see the magic of the unicorn gave the animals in the forest the supernatural power of common sense to avoid a blabbering hunter speeding through the woods at mach 2. He then decides to move onto easier prey (most likely located in a farmers pen or butcher shop window) and then exclaims to the unicorn "stay where you are poor beast, this is no world for you. Stay in your forest and keep your trees green and your friends protected, and good luck to you for you are the last!". This is when we finally see our hero of the story, the last unicorn. She seems a tad concerned by this proclamation and then we cut to a wicked opening song.

So now Miss unicorn is frolicking about the woods contemplating if this could be true. In the midst of bragging about how intelligent and wise the unicorns are she comes across a delusional butterfly who sounds like a A.D.D. child in control of a radio knob. Of course this is the first and only creature she seeks advice from on this topic of gravest concern. At this point it is entirely possible that the rest of the unicorns went extinct drowning in a river trying to save their own reflection. The Butterfly tells her some gibberish about a Red Bull chasing all the unicorns away. And so with this solid bit of info she sets off in search of her fellow unicorns.

So now she's on the road "littliest Hobo" style where she first encounters a deformed farmer who thinks she's a horse. The farmer is a great example of second of two classes of people we find in this world, the "Giant-sized Midgets". A creepy race of people that appear to possess the disproportionate sized head and limbs of a midget but still hold a commanding height of 5'5. Just think of the possibilities, a midget that can ride a rollercoaster! Our other race is seen later in the story, the "Lollipop Guild". They are a people that resemble lollipops with their large craniums and beanpole bodies.

Back to our story, so Miss unicorn has been traveling for quite some time and has now decided to sleep in plain view on the side of a well used roadway. How any unicorn ever made it to adulthood is beyond me. So during her dreamy slumber Momma Fortuna's traveling creature show happens upon her and they decide to capture and cage her. What an unforeseen completely unavoidable turn of events!

So now our unicorn hero is part of this animal freak show where she meets Schmendrick the magician. This is also where we are treated to not one, not two, but three, yes count 'em THREE saggy harpy bird nipples! Momma Fortuna aka. the ultimate crazy bird, lady rants and raves about how she caught the harpy and her mythical three nipples to the unicorn. Uni warns her that those magical avian nips will be the death of her, but Fortuna brushes it off cause little did we know but death by harpy is #1 on her top 20 deaths list. Anywhoo, later that night Schmendrick lacking money and a modern day Humvee, tries to compensate for his lack of manlihood by freeing the unicorn (Cause nothing says "I'm a man" like letting your unicorn outta the closet). The unicorn then does what any kind hearted person would do and also sets free the tri-breasts ... I mean Harpy! The Harpy immediately starts wheeling about in the air when Momma Fortuna runs out in orgasmic glee begging to be pummeled to death by the triplet milk bags. The Harpy is all too happy to oblige and treats Fortuna to the world's greatest death scene, death by tit-slap.

On her way again and now with a tag-along of this prepubescent magician Schmendrick. Eventually on their journey they run into a gang of bandits who take Schmendrick prisoner. They are lead by the Brave Captain Cully and his woman Molly Grue, who decides to save Schmendrick and offers him food and a bed. Schmendrick spends the night with them as they argue over whether or not Robin Hood exists. It is at this point Schmendrick possibly tripping on acid decides to show his appreciation to Captain Cully for saving his very life by creating illusions of Robin Hood. But it seems that when Captain Cully rounded up his band of merry men, he just high-jacked the nearest short bus full of window lickers and called them a gang. Cause his gang wildly runs off into the woods abandoning Cully, shelter and food so that they may chase the bright and shiny illusions, like moths to a flame.

So Captain Cully doesn't appreciate the loss of his moth-brained minions and decides to punish Schmendrick by tying in a very awkward position to a very well endowed tree. It's at this point Schmendrick shows his true talent and decides to do some sorta magic humbo jumbo and some how ends up giving the tree an even more impressive set of mammaries and brings her to life! So now we're treated to a buxom tree molesting a scrawny magican. If heaven was covered in bark and full of foliage then Schmendrick had found himself smothered between both her ginormo breasticles! But alas it twas to good to be true, turns out she was a tad too talky for his taste (how on earth he ever even heard her with his head enveloped between those barky knockers is beyond me) and so just as he once saved her the unicorn now saved Schmendrick from being rooted by marriage .... haha see what I did there.

Moooooving right along, so they escape the rape tree. But wait just a midget my good readers, Molly Grue has blocked their path and just now notices the giant white billboard that's been walking around this whole time. She reacts by going batshit insane on the unicorn for "not being there" and "not saving her". Molly seems to blame the unicorn for her high school love knocking her up at the tender age of 16 and left without paying a single bit of child support. The handy thing about being batshit insane or drunk whatever Molly's case may be, is that like a drunken abusive mother she quickly forgives the unicorn and decides that she'll join this merry band of misfits.

So now they've arrived in King Haggard's kingdom where supposedly the red bull lives, the same red bull that comes out at night to capture all the unicorns. So that night sleeping on the middle of the road again (Unicorns don't learn their lessons well) They are suddenly attacked by the red bull!!! Molly shreiks at Schmendrick to save the unicorn, who's been sitting aside this whole time transfixed by the light of the bull. He finally snaps to his senses and saves the day in a big way by changing the unicorn into a woman .... a naked sexy woman, the likes of which this cartoon has been lacking up until now. The bull runs off confused by the sudden addition of breasts to our hero. Of course Molly and her drunken mood swings kick in again and she scolds Schmendrick saying "You trapped her in a human body! She'll go mad!" translation, she'll become a tramp. Anywhoo the unicorn now known as Lady Amalthea is slightly peeved at her lack of clothes but they continue on to the castle anyways.

So now we're at King Haggard's castle which is run by the man himself, his son Prince Lir, a weird wizard, and a cat with an eye-patch. So introductions are made, the wizard is fired and replaced by Schmendrick, and the King declares that he'll "look at them all" making me wonder if only King Haggard had a playboy then maybe this whole mess could've been avoided. So next we're treated to a montage of random events at the castle with a spotlight on Prince Lir running about murdering a dragon who was apparently was terrorizing a mouse or something with his snoring. Lir decapitates the befuddled dragon and gives it's bloody head to Lady Amalthea (unicorn) in order to "woo" her. For some reason possibly because she's a stuck up prude, she's not instantaneously turned on by the dead carcass. So a bunch of other things happen, not really all that important so we'll skip them, and head straight to the top of the castle where Haggard tells Amalthea in a Maury Povich style way that Lir is adopted and a complete disappointment to him. All this scene was missing is some chair throwing and Haggard yelling "You don't know me! You just jealous! SIT DOWN SIT DOWN!!"

Now we find ourselves in the bottom of the castle where they've just found the bones of a junior high girl, proven by him getting "drunk" without actually haven drunk anything. He lets slip how to find the red bull but then warns Haggard, so a chase ensues and a fight, things break, swords clash and all that. In this moment it is revealed to Lir that Amalthea is actually a unicorn to which he disturbingly reveals that he doesn't care "he loves who he loves" .... wonder how many sheep got stuck in the fence in Lir's life and had to be 'pushed' through. But enough of beastiality cause just then the Red Bull storms onto the scene and starts attacking Amalthea! Schmendrick quickly changes her back to a unicorn but she is driven towards the ocean by the red bull. In panic with what to do they all scramble about while the red bull calmly walks the unicorn to the water. It is then that Schmendrick inspires Lir to do the heroic thing and save the unicorn. Lir motivated by the words runs valiantly to save her jumping bravely in front of the bull's charge tiananmen square style. But alas the bull proves to much for him (he wasn't asleep and not sucker punched like the rest of Lir's victims) and he plows right over him. The unicorn is spurred into heroics at this point and stands up to the bull. Neither actually attacks each other at any point they kinda just fight with death stares, and the unicorn having the deadlier stink eye than the bull, wins out. The rest of the unicorns then burst out from the waves like the oceans delayed knuckle children of victory! If the last unicorn were a porno this scene would be it's 'money shot'.

The day is saved!!! The unicorns are free once more and Haggard falls dying in his crumbling castle trying to claim that he knew all along she was a unicorn just like that annoying guy who claims he knew who Keyser Soze was all along.

So that is how our wonderful childrens tale unfolds. A beautiful family friendly tale, about molestation, tri-mammaries, beastiality and possibly drugs.

Anywhoo so that's all for my first blog, I'll catch you all back here in a weeks time, seeing as apparently I agreed to do this weekly.

See ya next time,

Same Dan-time

Same Dan-channel